do as i say, not as i do

when parents said that, that was the exact point i wished i was someone else who could punch them in the face. wtf? anyway, i talk a lot on this blog and in general about settling and accepting whomever and their bullshit. i talk about girls/women/ladies who accept crap out of dudes making them think that mess is ok to do to any member of the opposite sex. label me a hypocrite for continuing to fuck with non-bf.

let's be real, non-bf is not my ideal. he has a kid, which i shouldnt hold against him but i dont want to be step-mom. not saying we're on the path to get married because realistically, i cant see myself married to him. or anyone but still i dont see it with him and that should mean something. not everyone goes to college. one of my brothers didnt go and he does ok i guess but neither did non-bf and as im about to have a second degree, i kinda always saw myself with someone who at least had one.

im not an asshole so im able to let go of the shit i just mentioned and not let them weigh so heavily on the appraisal of our relationship. what i struggle with is on top of that, he has a fucked up attitude about some stuff and a pretty harsh sense of humor. the thing that gets me more than anything is im really a sensitive person and he's not sensitive enough for me.

so what the hell do i like about this dude? im stuck. just kidding, i enjoy our time together for the most part. we do have fun together. it's when something ELSE is going on for him, and it usually is, his attitude turns sour and he takes his frustrations out on me. he throws these tantrums that i'd expect from his daughter (whom ive never met), not him. how do i deal with that? first, i used to give this attitude like "oh, you mad, huh?" and act all nonchalant and just hang up the phone. i got tired of that game so then, i used to try to sweet talk him and talk him down which sometimes worked and sometimes didnt. now, he gets time out. i tell him what i think and if he's being irrational and not listening, i offer to talk to him later. i really only tried that once but it worked so imma keep doing that.

im going to put up with this mess and i cant even justify why. but dont you do it! let me find out you're dealing with a similar situation. you will get the sternest of emails or phone calls about it!

titles

sometimes titles matter. how many times have you been like "what's the name of that song that goes..." because you needed to know the title so you could download it? or, for my the office watchers, how important is the distinction between "assistant general manager" and "assitant TO THE general manager"? my brother is the latter but i asked him to introduce himself as the former and he told me everyone just have him side-eye and shook their heads then moved on.

so the dude ive been referring to as "non-boyfriend". i dont know how i feel about that title anymore. we were on the phone and i was getting off to put in some job applications and then go to bed and he was like "oh, so you 'bout to call one of your other boyfriends?" im sure he meant nothing by it but i, of course, said "i dont have any boyfriend". so he paused and was like "your other man?" aren't those the same thing? and who/which does he think he is? im clueless, so was this some benign joke and im thinking too much about it?

i dont have any acceptable alternatives so he will have to continue being non-bf.

the company you keep

i dont have very many friends but the few i have are a big influence on me. i have one friend that i could come visit her and we could literally be wearing the same thing. it started fall 08 when we both came to work wearing the same dress. i knew she had it because she wore it summer 08 and i made a decision NOT to wear it that summer because she wore it first. i wasnt planning on coming to her office but for some reason, that's what i ended up doing and we were wearing the same dress, carrying the same bag. we have another dress we both bought on separate occassions and i called to describe the dress i'd just bought to her and she was like "i bought that in march". i was more mad it was still in the store in may but whatever. ive noticed based on the video tutorials we do, that we even talk a little bit alike.

speaking of talking alike, i find myself talking JUST like non-boyfriend now. that wouldnt be such a problem if he were like the carlton banks of my world but he's not. he has the biggest potty mouth. im already a big curser but he trumps me and since when do i drop the n-word SOOOOO regularly? i dont mind him being an influence but why did i choose to pick up bad habits?

why dont i make this "love" week

im using the term loosly, like how musiq referred to people using it in "love". i started off talking about non-bf so i'll just go ahead and continue the trend of interpersonal relationship talk.

so i have this non-bf character in my life which is much different from last year because i didnt have anyone. in 08, i was talking to that old man and he had to work valentine's night and plus we had just met the week before. i ended up just going to the bar at applebee's and meeting some dude and going to shoot pool with him and that was my valentine's 08. 09, i went to mac and got a makeover as part of their hello kitty release party and went to the movies with my girl. i dont feel like trying to recall all my v-days past but let's suffice it to say that they ALL sucked.

when i was completely commitment free, i'd say stuff like "i dont believe in valentine's day". i'd feel like a poser just because i have someone who could be my valentine (assuming he doesnt go anywhere before the 14th) if i said i wanted to celebrate. luckily, i dont really want to celebrate. i dont want anything and i dont have $ to give anything. this year, the dumb day falls on a sunday and most likely, non-bf will have his daughter that weekend.

im sure he'll be down for the cause if i were to tell him im not into v-day. based on how he is, i dont see him being too into it himself (or he'd pretend he's not). my thing is how will it look to the parents. im not too concerned about his mom because i dont think she'd care but it's my parents who think they have rights to my relationship. my mom took issue with the fact that he didnt get me anything for christmas when 1. we'd known each other about 3 weeks at that point 2. i had nothing to give in return 3. we discussed it and said we werent doing christmas 4. he didnt get his own momma and sister anything just something for his daughter wtf he look like getting me anything?

i can hear them now talkin' 'bout "how come he didnt bring anything over here on valentines day?" or if i do get to see him "how come he didnt come pick you up?" answers: because we dont celebrate that bullshit day and you bought me this car and imma fuckin ride it til the wheels fall OFF!

guess who's bizack?

last week, i tweeted and posted about being THROUGH with non-boyfriend. which one of my followers rolled their eyes as they read and wispered under their breath "#lies"? well, if it's you, you're winning right now because non-boyfriend and i are on good terms. speaking of terms, i might need to change his title but more on that later.

we were john legend "it's over" last week because he guilt-tripped me into coming over his house one night and then acted like a d*ck when i got there. no greeting when i came to the door, damn near closing the basement door in my face and pretty much being a jerk all around. like i'm never gonna beg you for a hug and a kiss and a hello. but like a dummy, i stayed for a minute through all this and at one point i'm crying. so im evaluating my life at this point because no one is allowed to make me cry my own tears (whose else's would i cry? so what? who cares?). AND on top of that to be totally insensitive to the fact that im crying. so i told him i was done talking to him and he stood outside next to my car talking about "that's fucked up. that's how you feel?" i got in the car and i was finna (yes, finna.) drive off and he still standin there, hence the john legend reference earlier. then he walks off and like a retard, i get back out the car and try to further explain my case with minimal response so im like "fuck it" and get in my car, bust a U-ey and im GONE!

i get a text something about "i hope you made it home safely" not to long after i get home i guess because i usually would have called by that time to say i was home. i replied something like "thanks, good night". next morning i get a phone call like nothing happened that i ignore because im thinking "oh, his phone must have accidentally dialed me like it did the other day". a little after, my phone rings again so i decide to answer it. this person sits up and is like "so you weren't serious right?" no one takes me seriously when i say im done. maybe because so often i take the shit back. so anyway, had this been the following day, things would have gone differently but at that time it was just too soon so i wasnt really sure or answering plus i hadnt heard an APOLOGY. so he was like "do you need some space" and i replied that i did.

im going to wrap this up: i ended up calling him later on. we talked some stuff out, he apologized-ish, and we were back on decent terms but i was still pissed and he knew that. i ended up seeing him late saturday night and he apologized sincerely to my face about his WACKNESS earlier in the week and thanked me for coming back and all that noise which was actually kinda sweet and cute. and he gave me alcohol so you know all was forgiven at that point ;)

photo of the month

there's something about this pic. i love it. it's so simple though. if this were on a red carpet instead of a black carpet, i dont think i'd be this into it. i dont know. what do you think? is it hot or nothing special?

im getting a face lift

i never gave a hell about anti-aging concoctions. still wont spend my $ on them. my parents could pass for being in their late 30's or 40's but theyre close to 60. im good. kids at my internship site already think im like 18. im good. but i got this moisturizer as part of my prize pack from the lancome blog.

lately, i have not been a fan of moisturizers with SPF although it's essential given my skin's special needs right now. this is lighter on the SPF in comparison to what i'd been using: SPF15 vs. SPF30 and 45. it has a subtle fragrancethat doesnt irritate my sensitive skin. normally, i avoid putting any scented lotions on my face but this, again, isnt a problem. the jar will have you thinking the product is white but it's really pink. i dont know exactly what it's doing to my face but i like the way it feels on my skin. according to the lancome site:

After 4 weeks see the repositioning effect: lifted brows, firmed cheeks, tightened jawline. Face visibly recovers its natural contours and looks years younger.

are you in the market for an antiaging cream? do you already use one?

the non-boyfriend (the end)

the non-boyfriend is just 'non'. i cant and i wont. according to him im too sensitive and in my eyes, he's not sensitive enough. never are you going to visibly see me upset and laugh and tell me it's unnecessary. LET ME HAVE MY FEELINGS. this wasnt the first time i wasnt allowed to have my feelings. i guess wanting to feel wanted is being a spoiled brat. i'll be that!

THIS is why i was messing w/ the 40 and over club but they have way too much going on and im not in the mood. and it's not even like they know all that much better BUT what they do know is valuable and they are just a tad more respectful than these 24-28 year olds i have encountered. where's my 30+ gentleman?

on the real, i think i know what i want but i have no idea where to find him or stumble across him. in the meantime, it's back to my imaginary engagement to @booskee9. he called me today, too. he pretty much NEVER does that.

just dance for wii

so that song that peter (family guy) goes OFF on, surfin bird, is on the video game my niece just got. i went in on that song and that's how i spent my "day on, not a day off". what did you do? hopefully something more constructive than me.

peek in my closet: just another day

here's a look at what i wore last week. yes, i wore leggings #dontjudgeme


denim swing jacket- $18 on clearance from macy's

navy tunic- forever21

grey hue leggings- gift from mom from macy's *highly recommended b/c they are thicker than most leggings

brown xappeal flat boots- rack room shoes

eye focus

here's my eye look from 1.12.10:

thinking about doing a tutorial but i'll tell you what i used for now.

too faced shadow insurance

mac groundwork paint pot

mufe #13

barbie loves stila palette dark grey color

mac bright future shadow

mac arctic grey shadow

mac powerpoint eye liner

maybelline great lash big

Haiti

im not gonna bombard you with links and ways you can help b/c unless you are someone who actively tries to avoid learning all day, you know what's going on and at least ONE way in which you can help. do what you can for haiti. just remember that $5 US is $35 in haiti. i thank you for doing your part on my behalf. if you, like me, cant financially contribute, lift up your prayers or well wishes or whatever it is that you do. so anyway, here's one link to get you started: YELE

Yele was coined by Wyclef in a song and means "a cry for freedom."

what's your hair doin'?

this year im doing my best to see how long my hair can grow. im going to try not to get frustrated and cut it. as part of this effort, i want to minimize my flat iron/hand-held blow dryer use. i didnt get a relaxer for 14 weeks. i decided thats a good length of time between relaxers for me 12-14 weeks will be the goal. my sister saved the day with an $8 box of PCJ regular (12/27/09) and since she did a great job, i'll keep using her services. i just hope she doesnt start to charge!

on my last wash, i did a pre-poo w/ extra virgin coconut oil per the hairlista challenge (read more here). i washed like normal with aveeno nourish + moisture shampoo and conditioner and then i just let my hair air dry. once it was dry enough, i combed through it and threw it in a bald-head girl bun and went to bed. the next morning, my hair was full and healthy-looking with a nice little wave to it. i think this is the thing for me to do until my hair quits me and is like "nope, not gonna get away with that any more, lazy girl".

the no heat thing isnt part of the challenge but i wanna do it if im going to start running in the mornings. i sweat way too much in my head to make flat ironing worth the time and damage to my hair.

what's your current hair plan?

how do you get a boyfriend?

when does it go from "getting-to-know-you" or "talkin" to this is my boyfriend/girlfriend? the few times in the history of my life where i had a boyfriend i have no idea how we went from whatever we were before to boyfriend/girlfriend status. i know for some people, facebook tells you but i dont do that dumb shit.

i have no idea how the boy from high school got to be my boyfriend. maybe it was too long ago or there was just no point in which it was officially established or that was the case from day one. i dont know. there were guys i talked to between break ups with high school boy through sophomore year of college. In retrospect i cant say they were boyfriends since i would drop them in a blink of an eye getting back with high school boy regardless of what we called ourselves. a lot of assholes gave me the stupid line "it's just a title" or "i dont really like titles" at what point i should have ceased all communication. i found out i was this guy's girlfriend when he introduced me as such to someone.

does it always have to be on the guy to decide such things? i dont know how it was brought up with the "i dont like titles" guys but it was still their choice whether they wanted to in fact choose that title for what we were doing. and without prior discussion, the one guy decided in his head that i was his girlfriend and it was so. like an idiot, i went along with it until i discovered that would be a trend in our relationship: he just made decisions and i'd find out after or while it was happening.

so non-boyfriend asked me would i marry him. not in a proposal way but in a testing-the-waters way. trying to see where my head was. um...im not going to beat a dead horse with my thoughts on marriage or my thoughts on this boy but i dont see that for me. we do have fun together but when i think of him i dont see my husband. i could lie and say it's too early to tell but at the same time, i know i dont want a boyfriend and meeting him hasnt really changed that feeling. i guess im being greedy because i want him to not do what we do with anyone else. for example, i dont want him having some other chick bowling on wii w/ him and his mom.

so when he asked would i marry him, i was like "uh, aint you skippin' a step?" and that's when we got to talking about the girlfriend thing and being "on the path to marriage". his words, not mine so you'll have to ask him what that path looks like. i'd already told him about my anti-relationship views so i didnt feel the need to elaborate so that conversation is kind of up in the air for me. i feel like i should tell him some things so im not leading him on but i gotta figure out what to say and how to say it.

how has someone become your girlfriend/boyfriend? is it something unspoken or does there need to be a discussion involved?

non-bf update

Update from my bb:

I let that dude HAVE it monday. All kinds of f#ck you's and such. Wish I had a transcript but I was too livid and I can't recall. He was right there w/ me arguing his point. When he realized that wasn't gonna work, he talked me down, came through and apologized to me and my parents, and things were good. Real good. I'm talking good until an unwanted scheduled crimson visitor showed up *gross* but yea... So, T forgive me but FML. Anyway I like him more than I did a week ago. I guess I'll stop trying to get rid of him every other day.

more on my non-boyfriend

initially, my non-boyfriend was cool. we were in that early "get-to-know-you" phase and i had no idea why i was getting to know him. i had no intentions of becoming anyone's girlfriend and definitely not his. no offense to him, but he's no one i plan to marry. i guess that statement would hold more weight if i had any intention of getting married in general. i had decided that i wasnt even going to date because i dont wanna get married so what's the point. changed my mind on that, clearly.

what changed my mind was im human and from time to time i do wanna do #hoeshit. my non-boyfriend appeared to be a good candidate for hoe shit. i just would have to be super careful since he has a confirmed ability to successfully impregnate people. worse of all, it's not even like he makes boys which is what i want if i were to have a kid. so we're good b/c im on the pill and we use condoms (YAY for safe sex!). should there be a mini antithesis announced, the announcement will be concurrent with that of a pending lawsuit for trojan and my BC.

turns out we barely get along if we're not doing sexy times. we can go eat and be fine. we can go to the movies and do ok. but once we extend our time together beyond that small window, we are bickering. what do we fight about? any and everything. mostly semantics. most of our fights are over the phone if i go what he sees as too long without seeing him. i'll try to remember to transcribe the arguments for your entertainment (T) but i spend such a long time not caring or listening i cant be sure i remember. mostly, they go like this:

him: fussing about something stupid

me: i got another call, i'll call you back

him: motherfucka u lyin. that's how you goin?

me: i dont give a hell enough to lie about something like that

him: what the FUCK you mean? that's fucked up....

me: *starts to interupt*

him: SHUT UP!

me: *hangs up*

him: calling back 5-20 times (20 times is the record b/c i really was on the other line).

basically, my non-bf and i are both emotionally unstable and that shit erupts in unpretty ways. however, not to justify it because it's completely unhealthy, we do have a lot of fun together too. *there may be more to come*

was the psychic right? probably not

she was more like a numerologist or whatever those people are called who add up your birthday and the number you get supposedly means something. first of all, i ended up with a number i dont like, like some odd number. lets say i got 3.

let me back up, how did i end up even speaking to this woman? i was trying to get some extra internship hours so i did this on-campus event trying to get people to complete depression screenings (on the coldest, wettest day of fall 2009). other organizations (community and school) were present and there was this weird gypsy-looking woman pretending to be a psychic. my classmate was like "oh let's take a break, it'll be fun". read that w/ an irish accent b/c she's irish. how could i resist? she was all pleasant and irish with it.

so yea, i dont remember who went first but when she did mine she came up with some stuff that did NOT even fit what i was interested in. something about having a boyfriend which is like "wow, no thank you". like really it was like "you will enter a two-year relationship". really? a definite beginning and end? imma be with a dude for two years? that's a waste. if i was someone who believed that shit, i'd make a conscious decision not to get in a relationship in 2010 since that's the year the prediction was for. then she was like 2010 would be a year for me to be BALLIN'. doubt it since i working to get 750 unpaid hours of counseling and my bank of america account has 30 cents in it. plus im looking for work with NO luck b/c i havent done retail in 3 years and i cant remember the dates or any contact info for when i did. i only have time to work weekends anyway and i should keep my weekends open for studying, projects, opportunities for extra internship hours, and hoe shit.

have you ever been to a psychic? had a palm reading? got your bday done? tell me about it!

all about my new site

twitter folks may recall (or not) that my first internship placement was the PITS. couldnt be there; should have never gone there. the kind people at my new site were willing to take on another intern because they only had one regular counseling intern (they have an art therapy student. that program is totally separate from mine which sucks but it is what it is). now this site is nothing to sleep on because they only had one intern and other sites were at their capacity with interns. my site came highly recommended from one of my professors who actually helped to get the center founded. i interviewed there when i was looking for sites and declined the invitation to intern there solely because of the distance. my site is a good 30 minute drive where as my sucky site was a 10 minute drive and like a 15-20 minute bus ride. it's really not even supposed to be 30 minutes but i speed (dont judge me) so i get there in record time. now let's compare my two sites:

1. population served

good place: adolescents and children with behavioral issues, depression, bipolar disorder, adhd, family problems

bad place: felons

im not gonna talk about how when i interviewed at the bad site and i was told something very different about the population served and how the organization is run

2. direct hours (face-to-face time w/ clients) vs. indirect hours (everything else)

good place: 3:1

bad place: 1: 6 million

90% of my tweet total was a direct result of boredom at the bad site

3. people running the joint

good place: melanin deficient

bad place: good and ghetto

im just playing, that is not a factor. or is it? just an observation, really, i think

4. how much i feel like a valued team member

good place: 100%

bad place: 0%

5. how i feel when i leave daily

good place: tired and emotionally drained but accomplished. i learned something/made a difference/felt useful

bad place: glad to get the fuck out. dreading my return. depressed/ inadequate/ ineffective

i dont believe in that

i dont believe in new year's resolutions. i find that stupid. try to be better for the sake of being better, not because the digit(s) on the end of the date change(s). count yourself blessed to see another year and leave it at that.

with that said, this idea to change happens to just coincide with the fact that we've started another year/decade. it's not like im super shy with my make up choices right now (i have every color shadow in the rainbow and then some) but i want to be less safe/more bold on more regular basis. i try to keep it slightly muted for seeing clients and going to class and stuff but on MY time, i want to go a little more crazy. my goal is to do more looks that are not just for fun in the house. i want to actually go out with some stuff i do. for example, i had this look for literally 5 minutes and with the effort it took to take it off, i should have at least scared/entertained some small children with it:

this was my "video phone (remix) impersonation of beyonce. i put this on just to take the pic and entertain some friends on twitter but i really wouldnt mind going out to some random club like this. so yea, my goal is to go a little less safe with my make up. and now that i think about it, this look is kinda boring so why didnt i go out like this? i was underwhelmed seeing bey in that video not because of the video concept itself but also because the make up art was BLAND. im all for minimalist but not if ur doing a video, fashion spread, or perfomance where anything goes.

my non-boyfriend (this may be a brief series)

i met my non-boyfriend online. after talking for 5 minutes, i agreed to meet him at applebee's. those of you who follow me on twitter (@a_banger) may recall my tweets about him being tardy for the party. actually he was beyond tardy. he arrived an HOUR after our agreed upon time. so lets pause right here and talk about why i wait 1 hour for ANYONE ever because you all know i hate to wait:

i waited because 1) i lied to my parents about where i was going so if i came back home too soon, theyd know i lied 2) i was STARVING and if im never gonna talk to you again, i will get a free meal out of the deal + drinks as compensation for wasting my time.

ok, got it? *unpause* so he shows up and im like "this child is about 20-30 lbs lighter than he was in his pics". so there's disappointment #2 i do not like skinny dudes. the plan at this point is to get my food and however many drinks he'll pay for and go home. service was a bit slower than i would have liked so we actually had some decent conversation. i sorta enjoyed myself at least up until the phrase "my daughter" was so CASUALLY slipped into the conversation. like to the point where there was no hesistation or after thought. like you have a 4-year-old daughter? that's a deal-breaker.

so as the evening progresses, and probably with the aid of alcohol, i felt like "hey, i actually do not mind spending time with this dude". he seemed genuinely interested in me and eager to see me again and i did not deny that wish. *more to come*

i got it figured out

i like kids for a little while and then i want them to go back with their owners. sometimes im like "i'd like a baby boy" and others im like "kids? i have no interest in that". i have my solution: imma get divorced. that way, i legally get my kids every other weekend. i think i may be able to skip the whole getting married thing because i think in dc you can just take your baby daddy to court and legally establish visitation rights but i wonder about that because most courts would prefer the child to be w/ the mother, i think. idk. i think the divorce plan is cool b/c i dont actually want to be married but the ceremony, reception, and honeymoon sound like so much fun. that way, i get the festivities AND get the amount of kid time i want. isnt that one of the most ignorant and selfish things you have ever heard? there are worse things. i assure you, people have done worse...

in with the new

it's a new year and i thought i'd start my blog off with a new product. i had the opportunity to try a new brand. isnt that always exciting? by now, i think you have heard of MIXED CHICKS. if not, you can visit their website where they sell products with multi-racial people in mind but it's really for everyone. seriously, u need not be biracial or anything. i consider myself "regular black" but this product works just as well on my hair as on the ladies who created it.

i had the pleasure of trying out the leave-in conditioner courtesy of megsmakeup.com (she sent me a 10 oz. bottle completely FREE; if you would like an invite to the site, let me know). the curl-defining formula was excellent for my braidout. i wouldnt just apply it to my damp hair and go since i have a relaxer now but i imagine it would have been perfect when my hair was natural. if only i'd discovered it sooner. i know PJD would not be pleased to know that there are 3 parabens in the ingredients so i thought i'd throw that info out there right away. among the bad stuff there is still jojoba oil, safflower oil, and primerose oil. does anyone know what crosilk is? me neither.

anyway. i used it for a braidout and i was pleased so i do recommend it. my hair doesnt feel stiff or sticky or greasy. just well-moisturized and full of bouncy curls.

im back

i said i would come back in 2010 and here i am. i spent my nye @ my friend's house playing the wii and drinking. i brought 2010 in arguing with my non-boyfriend (details to come b/c why in the world would antithesis argue and with someone who is not her bf?)

antithesis had a decent christmas. nothing of note to report but it was relaxing (in more ways than 1 since my sister helped me to end my 14-week relaxer stretch).

stay tuned for...

...info on my new internship site

...all about my non-boyfriend

...and what ever else is going on that i feel like sharing

have a blessed year!!!!!