bitch, im great. bye!

that's what im on today. i cant speak for tomorrow or later this week but come the fuck on. guys can continue to act like im just some anything ass broad out here if they want to. they dont have to recognize my worth. i feel like if someone like me isnt what they value, they dont deserve me anyway.

of course, it's easier said than done and it's a lonely road to travel but it has to be done. besides, remember yesterday's post? he AINT all that, ok?

it makes just as little sense for me to treat a guy as more than he's worth as it does when he treats me as less than im worth. if there ever was a "stop yourself" moment, this would be it. i need to stop myself.

i need to catch myself and then stop myself from:

1. settling
2. negative thoughts
3. selling myself short
4. accepting less than i desire
5. making excuses for sorry niggas
6. placing more value on others than respect they've shown me
7. putting others' needs/wants before my own
8. worrying

if anyone has tips/thoughts on this, do let me know.

this might seem like a man-bashing post but i really just feel like dudes and i have an ongoing difference of opinion and i allow what they think of me to hurt me. since when does someone's opinion of me need to effect me in any way? it should never and im disappointed in myself for allowing it to happen for so long.

what you dont have

i hate a nigga to say shit like "i dont think i can date anyone until i have x,y, and z together" and THEN get shit together and be like "where was everybody when i didnt have nothing?" i almost hope future me is around just to be like "ahem, i wanted your weak ass. but i guess that doesn't count because you clearly didnt want me. glad to know for sure now." but i wont be.

i find it perfectly understandable to want to get your ducks in a row before you add someone else to the picture. i still see you prioritizing horribly so im inclined to believe that you're just not interested in me. and that's fine but just say so.

i dont know what my problem is needing to wait and hear it. it's like i want someone to be mean to me when they really arent trying to. seems like they like me enough not to try and hurt my feelings but no more than that.

it's now time for me to just let go off what i dont have. sure, we can be friends but we need to be the kind of friends me and my male bff are. if we go do something, i have to just pay for myself. the tough part will be putting aside those feelings of attraction. i think the feeling of stupidity that comes with liking someone who doesnt like you back will help with that. i do not love feeling dumb as the fuck. and that's just how i feel. *sigh*

best experience of my life!

on new year's day, i took my entertainment into my own hands and purchased two new games for the wii i got for christmas. i picked up def jam rapstar and the michael jackson experience. speaking of the latter, I. LOVE. THIS. GAME!!

if you are familiar with Just Dance, it's the same concept: the object is to match the moves of the on-screen character. for most songs, it's just mike but they have some duets and obviously songs like "thriller" involve multiple background dancers. each song has a rating of either "easy", "medium", "hard" or "inhuman" (ex. "thriller", dancing as michael). you earn star ratings for your performance as a result of points you racked up for achieving the moves. each move earns you a rating of "x" (you missed the mark), "ok", "good", "perfect". for someone who is as rhythm challenged as myself, ive been averaging 3 stars on all the songs. i get quite a few perfects but mostly goods and oks.

my favorite song by him in real life and to dance to is "dirty diana". probably b/c this one is rated as easy and i have 4 stars on it. i like "the girl is mine". honestly, i love just about everything on there.

do you have this game? what other games do you have for wii?

what's the matter with you?

what kinds of dates have you been on? what types of outings do you have with friends? someone out there is having fun.

all my people wanna do is have house parties, go to the bar/club, or eat; maybe SOMETIMES they wanna do movies. prime example: guy asks me out this weekend but doesnt know where he wants to go. that's no necessarily a problem, yet. what's a problem is when i offer a plethora of suggestions met with minimal enthusiasm. who wouldnt wanna go ice skating, laser tag, dave and busters? ok, maybe someone wouldnt and i dont blame anyone not interested in the gun range but i threw that out there, too. what ideas were thrown back to me? the equivalent of 0 because ESPN zone is pretty much the same as dave and busters but it's closed.

i really do not care what this dude picks to do with me; i just want him to pick. i'd rather not just "go get food". i feel like ive indicated enough of my interests for him to come up with something. i had a brief convo with a guy and vaguely mentioned an interest in baseball/softball. where did he take me out? the batting cages. nothing came of that dude but he got mad points for that. i have explicitly told this guy what i like and i get invites to grab dinner all informal -like and to come over because he's bored. i dont mean to complain but, this cant be all there is for me.

am i being too hard on the guy or are folks unimaginative these days? is this a real-life "he's just not that into you"? what the fuck gives?

resources and support

never underestimate the power of sharing goals with people. one the one hand, no, you shouldn't put all your cards face up. but it can be benificial to share some stuff. i shared my intentions of getting through the bible and my friend put me on to a BB app to assist with acheiving that goal. i went to youversion.com/download on my phone and downloaded the app. they have the app for iphone and other devices so i'm passing on the info to you. you can set up your plan how you wish and get the Word right on your phone. yup, get you some spiritual food in between your raunchy tweets. GO!

Highlights: January 2011

• Restaurant Week. monday: dinner w/ T and co. at Capital Grille. thursday: lunch at Filomena in Georgetown.

• New Job (part-time). was able to work from home for the entire month :)


• New Games for Wii. michael jackson experience and def jam rapstar

• TJ Maxx/Marshalls Gift Card. won from twitter. i got a kenneth cole coat and a DDF skincare product

• $900 in Make Up For Ever cosmetics. won from @temptalia via twitter

• New Job (full-time). after consecutive interviews for two weeks, i got a full-time job offer. im quitting two of my 3 part-time jobs and cutting back on the above mentioned job.

• Country Que. my limited engagement boo thang. showed me that genuine, nice guys do still exist.

how was your January?

i'll keep that in mind

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

at the end of last year we agreed to take a break from all things related to the opposite sex. well, not so much agreed as i made an statement and no one publicly objected. so with this new year comes a new post about my failed missions.

via text this dude was like "look, i like you but i dont love you yet..."

what do you think prompted this string of words making up a sentence? obviously not ME saying the words "i love you" or some ignorant such thing. if you thought that's what happened, i want you to look back up at your address bar and recognize which blog you're reading. what really happened is i requested, of course not in so many words, some "cake" from this guy.

to his defense, this was probably highly confusing b/c i come off as one who isnt into all that lovey dovey shit. i could understand if no one could ever picture me as a "no, you hang up" girl. but if i like you, i will be like that and i want you to be that way towards me. probably not ALL THE TIME but i want it.

so my question is have things changed? do you have to be IN love with someone to show them love?

im not asking old boy to fall in love with me. i would be scared if he did. i just wanted him to act like he liked me. when he said that to me, i was just done. i couldnt imagine proceeding from that. maybe some communication would have been helpful but honestly, i just felt this wasnt what either of us wanted. i feel like by the time i fall in love with someone, i wouldnt want that cutesy shit. i thought the whole point of being cutesy and corny was because that's all you have because you dont know much about each other.

the other thing that got me was when he said something like hit him when im ready to have an adult relationship. ok...adults show affection to the person theyre seeing, dont they?

maybe im wrong. idk. i just felt like my presence in his life was a take it or leave it sort of thing. im not saying i needed to be central in his life. im saying, attention should have been paid. effort should have been placed in cultivating something with me. how can you be aware of some of my interests and still just offer to take me to "get some food"? im not ungrateful but im a strong proponent of quality time. stop asking me what i like to do if you have no intentions of doing those things with me.

let me know if im strange. i'll simply remember this for the next guy.