im not calling you!

this bamma got in my seat!

make that 4 dudes now im giving the *bbm not interested face*. for the third weekend in a row, ive gone out/partied. 4 times this month, i've turned down opportunities (or potential failures from males). i left out the one dude who might have been feeling me at my friend's birthday party because basically he was just interviewing me. i got some info about him but i was interested so i go his name and the fact that he didn't finish school. this was after i learned he was a weedhead. that didnt matter because i simply was not interested in old boy from the start. so 5 dudes for real but back to number 4/5.

sir, i entertained your advances because you were the only dude not crowding the kitchen area. i would later learn that you merely distracted me from the the rude guest consuming all the alcohol and then dipping the fuck out. i also entertained your advances because they entertained me. you were'nt attractive, so i cant say they were flattering but i wasn't bored. here's where you fucked up me being your friend:

1. following some basic rude broads who showed up just for liquor out the door with your boy- he later verbosely explained that he was playing wing man. we grown, your dude is weak because he could not execute the number getting in the period in which the girls were there. they were there long enough by my standards. and they were fucking BASIC.

2. you're friends with a shady character- he was trying to get a girl's number who wasnt interest. dont know if he succeeded but in the process of supposed to be getting my friend's car from the possession of the police, he attempted to get ANOTHER average-looking chick's number while she's driving and we have too many people in a car and the police are behind us. you both make thirsty ass, poor decisions because, you were driving and missed our turn. sidenote: police had her car because her dumb ass boyfriend wanted cigs and took her car, got literally 5 seconds away and got pulled over. he spent the night in jail. im not sad about that. and your friend does all this extra mess but it caking to some female who was clearly pissed at him when we got back to the apartment (girlfriend?). idk, then threw a bitch fit at a female party-goer. dudes who argue with females over petty shit are an ultimate turn off AND the argument was your goofball fault.

3. you put your hands in my hair and asked about my ethnicity- do. not. touch. my hair. i had my hair pinned up but i recognized it probably looked dumb. my friend convinced me to wear it out and you put your hands all in it tryna calm me down but 1. im not mad because i dont give a shit what basic bitch you talk to, just dont come back thinking im giving you the number 2. i know you're just doing a weave test. am i black? my parents are regular black and so are all 4 of my grandparents. any mexican in there? i dont fucking know, i told you the extent of my known lineage now shut up! i need a touch up, bitch, shit is wavy over here...

4. you gave me your number- cardinal sin. i dont initiate phone calls with dudes below a certain level of attractiveness. what time are you seeing me tomorrow/monday? you figure out where you'd like to go then call me and ask to meet me or pick me up. i gotta call you and plan something to do? do i look like i put forth that much effort? i didnt even wear spanks and this outfit called for it. still looked better than every bitch at the party except the bday girl (always my aim) but i was also doing less than what i could do.

5. if you couldn't tell, im doing ME- i danced by myself. when you tried to join in, i walked away. when everyone was acting silly and hypersexual to super sexy 90s songs, i danced on the chair and on the floor. you tried to join in and i made some excuse to get up and be like naw when my girl brought the camera out. "im tryna be a therapist" is never what i care about because my clients would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS see my facebook page. reminds me i should make this blog private or something. idk, the bad shit has already been said and is out there.

this post is getting too long. why can't someone get your number?

*update* at the time of publishing, have gone on a date with old boy. he somehow got my number. won't share how but there's only a couple of ways he could have so whatever. more info on that in another post

im probably not black

nope, im not black. not stereotypically at least. and that's what matters because race is socially constructed. we all bleed the same blood and shit. anyway, here's why i might not be your average black chick.

1. i dont think music is just hiphop/rap/r&b. i know that words to those journey songs and i will sing them louder than you and your friends

2. i dont tie my hair up every single night. i have a satin pillowcase because that is just the kind of lazy i am

3. relaxer every 6-8 weeks? try 6-8 months. im on some twice a year ish

4. i dont like ribs. i'll eat them if there's nothing else but there's usually something else

5. i dont like fried chicken. i'd much rather have it baked

6. the movie love jones did nothing for me

7. the coldest winter ever is on my list of worst books ever read

8. my name is Ashley. to me, that is the whitest name ever. if i google myself all kinds of white bitches come up. the chick with my same full name? WHITE (weird because my middle name is not common)

9. i do not like designs on my nails. ive gotten them maybe 3 times in my life. not something im into. i dont even like seeing others with it

10. i cant even think of a tenth thing black people stereotypically like because im not "black" enough

RE-POST from 2/11/09: ashley-isms

the way i see things.

friend: but i actually have a date tomorrow and im trying to see how imma get past my mama

me: oh wow
hmmmm
volunteer interest meeting?

friend: lmao

me: technically thats not a lie. ur voluntarily meeting to see if ur interested in him

in case you're curious, there is a legit reason why my grown ass friend has to get past her mommy. you would have to, too if your mom is like our moms and holds things over your head like say, your unemployment status and choice in extracurricular activities.

needs assessment

it's always nice to take a quick inventory and analyze your needs. this may take the form of perusing your wardrobe to see what staples are missing. or maybe you've come to realize that your eyeshadow collection doesn't have any purple. when weighing a job offer, you might consider what each position provides that the others don't. how about choosing an insurance plan or cell phone provider? i bet you consider what's being offered and what it is you actually need.

i'm not one to give advice but PJD asked me to talk more on relationships. i approach relationships on the attraction factor. the first things i notice are eyes and smile. next, i factor in how conversation goes and what things we have in common. do we mesh well (Clueless)? after all the honeymoon phase is over and we really are getting to know each other, the needs assessment comes in.

one thing i know i need is attention. if i call and ask you how your day was, im really interested in knowing. but i also live by "treat others as you'd like to be treated". so every now and again, i want you to ask me the same.

knowing these things about yourself is important and you should be able to bring this up in a conversation with the person you're seeing. of course, your approach matters and i admit my intial attempt was not best with the latest dude. i tried to change my tone but it was via text where wires are easily cross. his cavalier disregard for my feelings was indication enough that he was not a good fit.

assess your needs. what can and cannot be compromised?

that's a lot of look- tim gunn

T asked my to talk about trends that i love and those i hate. um, im an advocate of "do you" but there are just some things i dont like seeing. let's start with those.

Hate...

...anything with your underpinnings showing. just because your bra straps are clear doesn't mean i can't see that shit. also NO ONE ever needs to see your thong.

...tips. im over them. im sick of classic white/off-white and i do not appreciate black tips, turquoise or any other shade of hideous on the tips of your nails.

...leggings as pants. the first time leggings were in (i was in elementary), my mother made sure my shirt covered my butt. it's a rule i continue today. it's rule you should adopt today. i see your unshapely thighs and i see your underwear. do better. not to mention your gut hanging over the front.

...harem pants. those are disgusting. dont know how else to describe them

...rompers. only a few people can pull them off. a good 5% of the population. unfortunately, the other 95% are the ones wearing them.

...bad weaves. bitches aren't even trying anymore. they pride themselves on getting the tackiest, most unrealistic, plastic-looking weaves. shit looks like it stinks. #stopit #nolacefronts

...LV purses. no one else will agree with me but i dont care. i dont give a fuck how much they cost, they look cheap. i frown at people with patent leather ones. just doesnt look like real leather. i thought maybe the ones i was seeing on the street were all knockoffs so in atl, i went to the store. no, they looked horrible to me in there, too. never ever saw one i wanted. i always think, maybe next season. nope.

...all neon everything. makes me want to throw nickelodeon GAK on you. yea, i referenced that 90s toy because that's the era the crap you wear belongs in.

Love...

...a bad heel. give your outfit a pop of OUTRAGEOUS color or wear a demure nude. im into it.

...an ignorant bold lip. neutral eye makeup and tastefully applied face makeup paired with a shocking hue on the lips is a winner in my book.

...solid, cream nail polish. go any color you want if there's no design.

...boyfriend jeans. i haven't seen anyone look bad in this style of jean. probably because they are not meant to be tight. "MESSAGE" #dontbeamenace...

...bustier dresses. nothing i'd ever wear because i have boobies, but the cut of those dresses looks cute on flatter chested women. im not talking about stuff that is interchangeable with bedroom wear. im just talking about the cut/style. they're normal dresses with a well-defined bodice. i imagine you get them from urban outfitters.

...bermuda shorts. i will forever love these because i can't see the dark part of anyone's booty who wears 'em.

RE-POST from 4/12/08: in this club

things i don't like about the club in atlanta:

1. $20 to get in 'cause my friends are slow for no reason/indecisive/the club is extra wack if you get there too early-sometimes we get in free after 12 (thanks J) which is cool, i guess.

2. girls who wear outfits that are unattractive simply b/c they are most revealing- doesn't have have much to do with me, but i just don't enjoy looking at it. not only are you some naked woman, i can't steal style tips from you.

3. friends who try to get free drinks off of guys they have no interest in and somehow get me involved in the fiasco- i prefer to purchase my own drinks. i don't want to feel obligated to give you any time from my life because you just spent $12 on some watered down alcohol. maybe i should not feel like i do about it but i do and what i feel does not feel good.

4. watered down, over-priced drinks.

5. your father still in the club and trying to dance with me- do you even know the songs they are playing unless they play throwbacks? and if you do, exactly why?

6. my ears ringing well into the next day.

7. calories due to consuming sugary drinks and then wanting to go eat before and after.

things i dont like about the club in DC/MD/VA:

1. numbers 2-7- ive never had to pay $20 to get in a club in the area. usually i don't pay anything or it' s like $5 all night. also, at home, NO MAN is gonna buy you a drink so stop trying!

2. people not accepting my ID. when i turned 21 i did not switch my ID, so it's still vertical. i didnt switch b/c i dont want to donate $40 to the district for an ID that won't expired until 2010 (that's how they get you). so although i am clearly 21 and the ID is authentic, some lames will not honor it.

3. i don't go home to my own apartment; i go to my parents' house- they don't sleep until i walk in the door (i'm the baby), so at 4, 5 or even 6 am i have to be questioned about what and how much i had to drink, what specific bar i went to, which of my friends were there, what was the bartender's name, what was the DJ's name, approximately how many people were in attendance and what their names were...

4. i HAVE to go home and not sleep at a friend's house because of #3

5. this story: one night this winter, i planned to go grab a drink with a friend i met at spelman who happened to be from DC. she and i met up in adams morgan and checked out a couple of bars. since there was no cover, we would leave if we didnt like how it was. we settled on one bar that she promised would get interesting as the night progressed. it did not. the bartender befriended us and though i had only purchased one drink, i ended up consuming several (honestly 7-10). she said she would get my drinks and he charged her for like 4 out of 20 between the two of us. no, i should not have had that much to drink and THEN decide to drive home but i did. GOD made sure i was the only one on the road and the worst thing i did was accidentally run a red light. anyway, i get home and do the best parking job ever!!!! and my key isn't working. mind you, my key is a copy of a copy so it has the tendency to not work especially in the coldest part of the winter. so my mom is awake and comes to open the door. i say "my key isn't working" and she tries it and it doesn't work for her either. my dad is as the top of the stairs "yea, keys tend not work when you're DRUNK AS SHIT" and is laughing. my dad doesn't curse at me unless he is extremely angry which is never or he thinks he is being funny. when i finally wake up at 4pm the next day, my dad is still talking about it, "Regina, did you see how drunk you daughter was last night?". then my brother comes home because the previous night was his birthday and he was probably doing much worse things than I, and my father says "hey Will, you missed it. Ashley, tell your brother how DRUNK you were". me: "no one thinks you're funny..." then these people take me to my grandmother's house and leave out details but say i didnt come home until 4 am. then i have to hear grandma's thoughts but luckily she was disinterested/distracted. so then that wasn't enough because we go to my favorite uncle's house whose response was in my favor and makes me a drink from his bar in his basement. i know what i did was bad but it just set the stage for everytime i go out at home from now on.

what i like about the club:

nothing, really. it's where my friends want to go and there is little else we can do at night because we don't plan and we often have different interests and/or budgets.

what did i leave out?

3 times is a #fail

3 times? really. i should have gotten the number 3x

1st time i shoulda got the #: i was sent to a temp assignment where a fellow associate was already working for the week. the government WASTES money (but you already knew that) because they never needed a second person on that assignment. anyway, temp worker was cute. i couldn't decide if i wanted him for me or T. then i decided T probably wouldn't be interested. THEN i couldn't guage his level of interest. was he chattin' me up and hanging around my desk out of sheer boredom or was he feeling me. oh well, he's 27+. he better go for what he wants. so i guess he didn't want me. or maybe i didnt want him because i should have got the number.

2nd time i shoulda got the #: i had a shopping adventure between shifts at the kennedy center. i took the bus back that would drop me off right in front of the building, the end of the line. just as i'm about to get off driver asks if i work there. and i responded to the affirmative. he asked if so-and-so was still there and shared he worked there "a long time ago". dude looked 19 so...i was like ok. and just got off the bus because i was tired, sweaty, in half a uniform and not cute because you could see my bra through my thin white shirt. had i felt more confident, i would have chatted him up and GOT THE NUMBER because busdrivers get $$$ #golddiggerflow

3rd time i shoulda got the #: in the club with my girl of italian descent and my other girl of, i wanna say, indian descent we're approached by 2/3 guys. i say that because the 3rd guy was not focused and he danced with us a little and danced with a group of girls near us a lot who were clearly not with us. he didnt arrive with the other two and was drunk. anyway. the other two divided their time pretty evenly between myself and my girls but as the night progressed, i became interested in the italian jew. at least that's what i think he told me he was. he was white but not, you know, regular white. and he was tryna say over the music as we're standing by the dj and speaker that he was a weird combo. i didnt know how to feel about him because a Journey song came on and as i belted out the words, he chuckles and goes, "are you black?!" when i returned from the bathroom, just 1 boy was with my friends and my friends realized that metro was closing soon so we needed to leave. i was good because i drove but when my girls leave, i leave. we should have stayed since i ended up taking them home anyway but i didnt have the foresight to know i'd want ihop when we walked out of the door. and my friend seems to think they said they were Ph.D students in psychology. #fail #fail #fail they were nice.