better or worse?

if you need corrective lenswear, the eye doctor is like "better or worse?" and flicking the little thingy (what's it called?). what if you just flat out do not know? I DON'T KNOW.

was it better or worse to not have any feelings at all? to just be numb and like fuck n*ggas, get money. i had this dude, mr. officer, who loved me. genuinely. did everything. i mean EVERYTHING pretty much perfectly. we would be married if it wasn't for one thing that resulted in 3 things and 3 more things. and furthermore i couldn't love him. i couldn't really feel his love. i can feel it somewhat now but i can't do it.

and so now i'm here with all these feelings that are unexplained and unwarranted. i have no idea where it's coming from or why. it's me but then it's not me. it's 15-19-year-old me. it's not the me i decided to become at 20 and 21. i didn't want to be numb, i just wanted to be smarter and stronger and up until now i have been. no idea what has happened but i don't like it. feeling feelings kind of sucks.

maybe i listen to too much r&b. from now on it's nothing but rap and other hard stuff and music without words.