save it

there is a very specific small part of life i want to put into a ziploc freezer bag and seal and make it permanent. i would adore being in some weird ass rendition of the movie groundhog day where this occurred to me day in and day out. it's the part of the courting phase where the guy is my new best friend and he calls me every 10 minutes. i dont want the part in the very beginning i call "the interview". that part is like when you come home from college in the summer and 30 people take turns asking you what school you go to again, what year you  are, your major, yadda yadda yadda. it's like, "so what do you do?... oh, really? how'd you get into that?" and blah blah blah...

the part i want to be frozen in forever is when the dude is so into you and he thinks you're so awesome and he just hopes that you think he's awesome, too. he gotta call you as often as possible to ensure that no one else gets a stab at his covetted spot. it's tricky, because he still has to maintain his masculinity and walk that fine line of being affectionate and being a bug-a-boo. if executed properly, the targetted young lady feels wanted, appreciated, important, and all warm and fuzzy. this adorable part is sandwiched between the "interview" and the "gotcha, bitch!" phases. 

oh, the "gotcha, bitch" phase. does it really need defining? the male gets comfortable. he won you over being a gentleman and showing you a good time. he gave you the attention to stroke your ego and your self-esteem is real high. at this point, you've gone and told your friends about old dude and that's what he wants because once you do that and he flips on you, you are so very reluctant to drop his ass like you know you need to because you believe you've invested something into this character. and maybe you have. 

anyway, i too often find myself in the "gotcha, bitch" phase. it's not a good feeling. it's inevitable and it's devastating to me when it occurs and i usually cant make it past that point. i understand it's part of every relationship but it is the bain of my existance and i want no parts of it. so since my relationship with him, my relationships have only lasted as long as old boy can play the role (usually not very long). when the true colors come out, i stick around for quite a while actually but in reality, the relationship was over when his "sweet messages will go from daily just to make me smile to quite necessary" (told you so-solange). 

so yea, this is why i didn't do love and things that look like it. somehow, not on purpose,  my guard fell down only to have this happen. this bitch got got and it is not the business because my heart wasnt ready for it. and since i wasnt ready, how or why did this happen? and plus im upset because i KNOW better. i'm just not cut out for this.  i'm not cut out to interact with other people on a romantic level.