Highlights: March 2011

• sprinkles cupcakes opened. my friend bought me a cupcake a few days after opening day.

• bff's bday. he came to town and we explored old town alexandria, a spot im NEVER in. a stranger paid $20 of our $28 bar tab in one of the spots we hit. i paid the remainder b/c i was buying him a drink anyway.
  

• my dad finally got me new tires for my car, saving me about $600.

• my degree came in the mail and i picked up my commencement tickets.

• i got 7 bottles of wine for the low-low via groupon

• i got a free voucher for an orioles game in september.

how was your March? i was really reaching here for the good news so im hoping that April has a huge dose of awesome!

that's happening

i got a guest post going on over at Tea and Such: check it out

does not equate

i did everything i was supposed to do.

i approached life like a brand new toy on christmas day. maybe not how i actually treat new gadgets b/c with them, i just open them, start doing what looks like makes sense and THEN check the manual if shit doesnt work out.

but that's not how i did my life. i know life doesnt come with an owner's manual but i've had some guidance from involved parents and a few decent teachers along the way. for the most part, supervisors say i do what im told. so imagine my surprise when i followed the step-by-step proceedures and did not yield the results as expected. i cant just go back to the store for an exchange or refund either. all is not lost. i can simply try something else. the problem is knowing what i'd like to try and possibly fail at next. another problem is getting the motivation to go through another set of steps.

people are all on the internet claiming that the rapture is tomorrow. i'd be ok with that. im so tired. and frustrated.

how long is my sentence, again?

i could not go to jail but i really cant tell the difference between prison and my job right now. my job is the punishment i get for getting a liberal arts degree followed by getting a masters in a related field. i only have to serve 2 years and i may get out early for good behavior (not taking too many vacation days and stuff).

im told what to do, when to do it, and how. sure, i get paid, even prisoners get paid for the work they do. it's not a viable or sufficient source of income, though. i get food while im there. thank God, i dont depend on them for clothing and other comforts of home but there might come a time that i do. i'm required to be there even in inclimate weather so should a blizzard hit and i have nothing with me, i'll be going through the basement browsing the shelves of donations for the things i need. hopefully, the dc area is all snowed out for the next 18 months +.

i didnt know i was this unhappy until i had to pay for my car to get serviced, realized i never make enough to move out of my parents' house while doing this job, and student loan repayment will kick in in about 3 months. i remembered all that and then i got a passive-aggressive email from my boss. girl, goodbye!

this is hard

my job is making lent extra hard. we get donations daily of all kinds of bread and stuff. it's usually day-old or beyond so it's not that hard to pass on it. volunteers come and cook for the kids and staff participates in meals. again, MOST times it's easy to pass. this is gonna be racist but white people just prepare their stuff differently and it's usually in a fashion i can take or leave. unless the person is a pro, it's just ok at best for me. anyway, it's still hard spending the little money i make to buy something different or just eating the salad that was made to go with the meal.

saturdays are only hard because it's pizza night and it's 3 days after the weekly grocery store trip so pickings are slim. this is still ok because the pizza that we get is dominos. what in the pure fuck do i look like crying 'cause i cant have that nasty shit?

one really tough time was this wednesday. a black lady came to cook! she set the table with table cloth and somehow, all of the dishes magically matched. she placed a floral centerpiece on the table and i saw her storebought, im assuming red velvet, cake in her picnic basket. YES, picnic basket. this lady was so cute. she made spaghetti and the aroma was HEAVENLY. of course, she made a beautiful-looking salad to go with it. the salad would have been all that i could have had. dinner is at 5:30 and so is the end of my shift. she came at 3pm to start prepping and i was smelling garlic bread and pasta sauce since about 4:30. i RAN out of that place when my shift was done. i was so hungry and so sad...

i dont want her coming back until after Easter. i also don't want anyone as awesome as her to come until then. just keep having people bring whatever is left over from the buffet at whatever event they attended like they did that one time o_O. that shit was trifling.

lent update

just really quick: sunday's don't count. that's all i got to say. i dont plan to take full advantage of this but i just wanted to throw that out there. i took advantage of it last sunday b/c it was the niece's bday and i had some of her cake. i dont plan on making this a trend.

at last weigh-in, i was -2 lbs. this weigh-in occurred after consuming the cake so i think i'm good. i want to get more workouts in. im falling short of my goal. what was it? 3 a week? i dont remember so that's probably why im not making it. thinking about doing a guest post for T's blog. if i go forward with it, i'll definitely provide the link.

reflecting on my current situation reminded me of a scene from one of my favorite movies, Girl, Interrupted.

the main character is in a session at the mental hospital:

Susanna: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna: I don't care.
Dr. Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
Dr. Wick: On the contrary, Susanna. Ambivalence suggests strong feelings... in opposition. The prefix, as in "ambidextrous," means "both." The rest of it, in Latin, means "vigor." The word suggests that you are torn... between two opposing courses of action.
Susanna: Will I stay or will I go?
Dr. Wick: Am I sane... or, am I crazy?
Susanna: Those aren't courses of action.
Dr. Wick: They can be, dear - for some.
Susanna: Well, then - it's the wrong word.
Dr. Wick: No. I think it's perfect.

Susanna probably meant to say apathetic but what she said fit the situation much better. afterall, she had borderline personality disorder, which when coined meant she was bordering on psychosis and neurosis. all i know is im feeling love and hate at the same time and it's not too fun.

NWGHAAD

Every year, since I've known of it's existance, I've participated in the Red Pump Project on this blog. Now, I have two blogs, so Pigmented Pretty is rocking the badge, too. What's it all for? National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day. I was last tested on 12/1/2010 (World AIDS Day); how about you?

Lemme give you some stats:

Every 35 minutes, a woman tests positive for HIV in the United States.

In 2006, teen girls represented 39% of AIDS cases reported among 13–19 year-olds

Black teens represented 69% of cases reported among 13–19 year-olds; Latino teens represented 19%.

Check out my sidebar for the RPP link and additional stats, as well as how you can support!

Sidenote: Happy Birthday to my BFF :)

lent: day 1

it's ash wednesday so you know what that means? or do you? might not mean anything to some people...

for me it means the elimination of most carbs, namely starches. everyone knows i live off of fries, bread, cereal, crackers, etc. gave all that up for lent. i can still have popcorn and that's all i can think of that's allowed. i can have all the fruit, meat, and veggies i want. as i write this, im hungry. im going to finish reading emails and other internet surfing i cant really get done when im at work and then i need to go do my bible reading. im on day 65 of that.

so far this week, i only worked out on monday. that just means big things poppin' for tomorrow. pray for me!

good day, sir

i am so SICK of dudes coming at me on some dating shit and then saying "but i dont want a relationship". im writing this open letter to bullshitting dudes as well as CQ. feel free to read along since im actually sending this to no one.

got it. you dont want a relationship. ok, then what the fuck do you want? have the nerve to say "i dont get why girls get feelings when sex is involved"? so knowing that, you still wanna do what you do and complain when the inevitable occurs. then you get annoyed like "didnt i say i didnt want a relationship"? well...sir, didnt you know if we did that there was a big chance i'd catch feelings?

yea, i knew you didn't want what i wanted and proceeded with that knowledge. things were ok. THEN, you tell me you have feeling for me so then i'm a little confused but i'm thinking, ok cool, i'm not alone right now so let's see where this goes. i guess i get too emotional and it's you screaming that you do not, under any circumstances want a relationship at this time. welp. you're in another state and when you do move, you'll be temporarily in a nearby state but still nowhere convenient to me so...bye. i'm done.

no, there's no one on the horizon but honestly, neither are you. so what the fuck? i'm supposed to make time in my fucked up work schedule to call some nigga who i was just convenient for at the time? and then when you move 2+ hours away, i'm supposed to drive down to "chill" with you. i barely want a long-distance relationship and you want me to engage in a long-distance sex partnership? ive learned my lesson and no dick is worth getting less than what i want. no, thank you. im good. glad you didn't want me to get hurt and all but my feelings are my responsibility so i'm gonna make sure i dont get hurt and imma just leave you alone. no hard feelings and best wishes and all that shit.

signed,

not that desperate

on the way

i bet something really good is just around the corner. january felt great. february was so-so. march is blah. this downward spiral HAS to mean there is an impending upswing. right? im keeping hope alive. im mostly hoping to at least have SOMETHING to write in my march highlights post.

yea. that.

guess what im pretending to commit to again? FITNESS! it's that time of year where the weather is getting warmer and im reminding that the extra 10 lbs that comforted me through winter are super inconvenient when it's hot. im trying to shed this 10 and then some b/c my regular weight is TURRIBLE.

this sucks because my Lent plans coupled with my fitness goes do not allow for me to eat at work as i'd planned. all they ever have is bread and sweets and other fatty foods. i had my heart set on having salad on Tuesday and all of that was gone. SALAD? in a place full of teens? come ON! the pantry is stocked with chips, cookies, noodles, and other starchy food so that will never do. i gotta start bringing my lunch. damn.

starting goal: the first 10 lbs.