do you miss me?

Saturday, July 31, 2010
for me, the answer to that question is probably "no". sometimes i do miss the person and i'll tell them. here is a list of things i miss, for your reference.

1. football sunday
2. mtv's daria
3. nbc's heroes
4. being 5 years old
5. not being able to drive and being driven anywhere not metro accessible
6. being away at college and getting $ put in my credit union account
7. my own apartment
8. having a boyfriend

why I comment

Thursday, July 29, 2010
notice, i said I. im talking about my reasons. what you do is your business and i wont judge you. reading and keeping your silence is just as good as speaking up and sharing your two cents.

1. i have stuff to say- i normally dont go around commenting for the sake of commenting. i actually have an opinion on the topic discussed, i have a question, or i just feel like sharing

2. i like being acknowledged- i love a blogger who replies to all comments (or at least tries to). even if i dont get a direct reply, i like seeing that people got responded to and not just one or two folks who the blogger is friends with.

3. it brings people to my blog- the only reason i have the 5 people who i know read this blog now is probably because at some point in the very beginning i said something on their blog or the blog of someone they follow that interested them enough to see what im all about. i also know, for me, that is just one of the ways i stumble across new blogs to follow.

4. i like to talk shit- i like to rant, complain, and poke fun at stuff and if you provide an open forum for me to do so, i will take advantage.

5. i like to win stuff- sometimes getting free stuff is as simple as leaving a comment on someone's blog.

6. i like to be supportive- i think one of the most supportive things you can do for a blogger is to let them know you're out there. i comment on well-established bloggers' posts because sometimes when you're huge, you get a bunch of entitled ass followers who are rude as hell and extra demanding like they're you. i just like to throw some kindness in the mix and remind them that there are still people who exist who realize that they're human!

so why do you comment?

lab-created booty

Tuesday, July 27, 2010
i love seeing body transformations as a result of diet/exercise. for instance, when i lost those 30 ish lbs and i started to have a neck? yes! or when those super gross-looking stretch marks started to fade from my middle region? woah buddy!

yesterday, i walked past the mirror in the bathroom at my temporary work site and i was like "where'd that come from?" my posterior was more pronounced than im used to. i really first noticed it friday night while wearing my maxi dress but i'd also been drinking so i assumed i was imagining things. not really.

and this came from running. im sure of it because i really do not do anything else. as i was explaining to my best blogger turned real life friend, it makes perfect sense. my sister and i have flat bottoms and my brother has a defined booty. why? because he was always an active kid and athlete and he ran track for some years. i must not have run for long enough because there was nothing in my jeans the couple years i participated.

but yea, things are quite different now that im older. im no angel lola luv or melyssa ford but i can appreciate my minimal gains if no one else can. now if i can figure out an exercise-induced breast lift, i'll really be winning!


Monday, July 26, 2010
the dress im wearing today is a medium and it didnt come from new york and co. (a store i always have had to go down a size in). i tried it on in the store and i was like "i bet if i had on a real bra and not a sports bra, it would fit right and look cute". AND i was right! i bet having just dont 2 miles on the treadmill and not having eaten anything helps, too. i cant get too excited, though. it is a cotton babydoll dress and things of that nature tend to be forgiving. i am glad to be wearing it even if no other medium dress i come across fits.

random rant

Sunday, July 25, 2010
ive been surrounded by the easily impressed lately. "ooh, you have such cute dimples!" and "wow! you have pretty teeth". how are teeth pretty? i dont like teeth. like i like to know a dude has decent teeth and once that is established, im no longer interested in teeth. like i hate watching movies where they have an unnecessary teeth-brushing scene. i cant stand to watch someone brush their teeth. am i weird for that?

ok, if so, im going to be weird for this: i dont want to see you touch your eyeball. have you seen the movie memento? the most disturbing part is in the opening credits when dude is putting in contacts. that's NASTY. yea, i wear contacts and i really hate putting them in because my hands are almost always cold and im touching my eye with cold hands.

i hate having to shake hands because i know my hands are cold. people probably dont care but i notice the temperature of people's hands. i dont care about temperature but i never know if others do. what i do care about is firmness. i usually dont have this problem with men but i hate that half-shake women do where they only really offer up their fingers and the webbing of our thumbs dont touch. this is not 1826 and im not a man who's going to gingerly kiss your hand! shake like a professional! that makes me SICK. i love a good squeeze. if im going to have to touch someone (you know i prefer not to be touched), i want it to be worth it. and that leads my mind to a place that has no business within this particular post so i'll end here.

sleeping over

i dont like it. i dont mean to be rude but i like to be in my OWN bed. i wrote a year or two ago about what would happen if i did get married. one major point was that if he snores, he's earned himself his very own room. but my aversion to sleeping beside someone else goes beyond that.

whenever im in the bed with another person, i feel restricted. i know ive grown out of sleeping super wild, but i still move around a bit. if someone is in the bed, i know i didnt move all night because i wake up where i went to sleep and my body doesnt feel rested. i feel stiff.

i know i explained to this boy about the snoring thing and if i get married but we both were drinking and i dont know about anyone else's drunk memory but mine. actually, his regular memory is probably automatically faulty because he's a dude. anyway, i never told him that i dont really like sleeping over.

one thing is i still live w/ my parents and if i dont come home, a search party will get started. my mom has a history of finding her children in places she's never even been and had no way of knowing the phone number or address. she needs to put those skills to work for her some sort of way but i guess she doesnt care about finding randoms not related to her.

another thing is, the dude sometimes does not have his own spot. yea, your mom or whoever u live w/ is out late or out for the night but she's coming home. And how would i look to her spending the night in her house with her son or whoever you are to her? i shouldn't look like anything since she had just finished doing the same thing but that's not how older people think. furthermore, even if we did the same thing, a major thing is she and the dude had their OWN spots. how our young asses gonna be shackin in someone else's place? that seems dumb.

maybe im over thinking this. maybe this is me being picky as hell in an area that doesnt even call for it. but since i dont know those people that well, i have no idea what impression they may have of the situation. and the fact that i dont know your mom or whoever that well is further indication to me that i shouldnt just be lounging around her spot to be seen when she wakes up/comes home.

what is wrong with people?

dream interpretation

Wednesday, July 21, 2010
what does it mean if someone you know is in your dream and you tell them you love them but their name is something else in the dream and you wake up and dont remember what their name was?

im hoping it means nothing but what if that means that person lied about who they were? OR worse, it means it's the name of the person you're gonna marry but you dont know what he looks like so your brain uses some useless stand-in and still you don't even know dude's name.

also, im just freaking out because i had one dream with the dude being named something else, woke up, went back to sleep and have another dream about that same dude. this is like the fourth time this month. i need something else to dream about. is my brain that bored?

proud of me

Tuesday, July 20, 2010
i got my 2+ miles in today. my late morning run took a bit outta me but then i got just the boost i needed on facebook. not only did someone randomly flirt w/ me through fb message (which i simply found highly amusing) but i got wind of a new makeup contest. you can check out the look i did for my entry later in the week over on my other blog.

im also full of excitement because temp agency #1 (the one actually doing anything) found me another 3-day placement. it sucks that it's so short term but the way my life is right now, im available and i'll take what i can get...AS FAR AS JOBS, not that other thing. feeling pretty good right now.

back at it

i got my mornings back after a brief interruption. what does that mean? it means i'll be hitting the treadmill once again until further notice. today, the inspiration was delayed but i feel myself getting into the mood. im currently watching svu barely interested but when it goes off, the gym shoes are coming on. it's been a little while so today's goal is 30 minutes. i really want to get up to doing like 4 miles at least 3x a week.

i have 3 items i bought for $5 from urban outfitters without trying on last year. im determined to fit one of them. i bought a total of 5 items that day but the 3 that dont fit have been haunting me. i dont care that much about the two tops but the skirt is really bothering me. i hate that the label says 12 and i cant get into it. well i can but it's not a good look. pisses me off! it's part of my motivation.

am i missing something?

Monday, July 19, 2010
there has been a rash of nuptuals and engagements in my world. did i miss the memo on some incentive for doing this? is there a get-married-or-engaged-in-2010 special?

but im serious.

im the girl who no one asked to prom so...if there's something good to be gotten out of this chances are, i wont get it. im the girl dudes just fuck for a while and if im lucky, he'll take me out to eat or to a movie every now and again. having a boyfriend is pretty much foreign territory to me and now folks are saying marriage is the thing to do.

cut to me sitting over a married friend's house one evening. friend's cousin (to be married in sept.) after having met me a few times and never heard mention of an SO finally asked was i even in a relationship. maybe my limited interest in her wedding planning and relationship discussion was being picked up one. wasnt trying to be rude, just had nothing to contribute. i have no way to relate to someone's fiance trying to enpregnate them prior to the wedding.

so anyway she asks and i respond that i am not seeing anything. and her follow up question was basically like there must be something wrong with you. something like "are you just focusing on career/school or...?" the honest response, which i gave, has nothing to do with school. this was on the heels of seeing "nene eye" so i was in no mood to even think about emotional shit. then she asked how old i was and she gave me what ive been getting "oh when i was 23 i felt that way too". but she also added that she was engaged, too and im like "nice". i dont know if she was trying to be hurtful (i doubt it) but i was kind of hurt.

because im 23 and not seeing anyone seriously, it must be because im focused on career? i almost wonder if she was hoping i'd come "out" to her. she offered some mild reassurance about hopefully i'll begin dating a different kind of person as i get older. i felt as if marriage was mandatory.

if it is, i probably will NOT be meeting that mandate.

i titled this post "am i missing something". i think the short answer is: i am not. an answer requiring further explanation is: maybe so.


Saturday, July 17, 2010
MY NEW BLOG: Pigmented Pretty

this blog's content will exclusively be beauty-related. don't worry, i'll still be doing TMI with my personal life here. of course, my new beauty blog is under construction so please be patient. you're welcome to head over and read the first post. thanks so much for your continued support!


Friday, July 16, 2010
it is so apparent that i need to get the hell out of my parents' house. it's no secret that my mother and i have a turmultuous relationship. i dont want to stay in the hypercritical environment any longer. i dont need anyone clocking my every move to the point that i opt to take a shower when i get home and it's imparative that i offer an immediate response to the question of if im going anywhere while im currently mid telephone conversation. it's never that serious as it effects her in no way. and if i were leaving, it would have to be after i replaced my towel with outerwear and ended my telephone conversation (i dont have a bluetooth). so that, and a plethora of other reasons is why i can't stay there anymore. one very serious one is the being constantly told to get out. which i dont get because if you want to know where i am every moment of the day, the main way NOT to ever know that is for me to move out. what my mother fails to realize is that when i do leave, she will no longer be a part of my life. i have no idea why she cant see that. i dont respond to her emails and and i do not answer her calls now and i live with her. what makes her think that will change once i leave? it wont. my biggest concern at the moment is making it such that she doesnt know where the hell ive moved. that bitch has no life so it's not beyond her to be camped out outside my residence so she can say whatever it is she feels she needs to say to me. i dont know what the qualifications are for a restraining order are but im not beyond getting one if that means my sanity. i cant allow this mentally unstable woman to stress me out and compromise my own sanity any longer. she refuses to get help (and she is probably beyond help) and my father refuses to leave so it's up to me to save myself since clearly no one else can or will help. unfortunately, i havent figured out a means to this end.

it's done. it's over.

i felt a few mixed emotions about this issue yesterday. ive come to the decide that it's ok for him to think he loves me or is in love with me or has love for me or however he wishes to describe his feelings. what he feels isnt any of my business. i cant look at him and see the pain in his face and feel it for him. i cant take on that responsibility. i wasnt hurting like that when i decided not to speak to him. not to say i didnt feel anything, just nothing to that extent. only my feelings are of consequence. taking my feelings into consideration, his inability to love me in the way i want to be loved (not read as in the way i choose to love) causes me heartache and discontentment (is that a word? if not, it's a mistake and it stays). i have to emphasize that it's not so important that a man shows me and makes me feel his love in the way i choose to express my love but it is rather important that he expresses his love in a way that is condusive to my needs. everyone has their own form of expression but i need his form to fit me and mine his. i also think that the way i love does not fit him. or maybe it does and he didnt realize it and that is what he is referring to when he says he didnt know what he had. ive also decided to not be indecisive for once. i left and i need to stick to that decision. it's painful, it's lonely, it's discouraging. the uncertainty makes it scary. it's troubling because there is absolutely no way to know if you are making a mistake. i also feel like if someone took this long to recognize my worth meanwhile putting me through bullshit, they dont deserve me. the end.

a hustler's life

Thursday, July 15, 2010
grad school interrupts your life. it alots you a small window of travel opportunity time and even less funding to do so. additionally, it just about kills any chances of full-time employment. and if you are someone in a romantic relationship, the stress might take a toll on that as well.

the most salient of the aforementioned points for me is the job thing. my internship over and since i have not had my degree conferred, employment in my field is no option. even with the degree, i'd find the job opportunities less than desireable because i'll be un-licensed. so in comes my current hustle.

i work (and i use the term loosely) at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts as an usher. this one-day-a-week, two shift position affords me just enough cash to put gas in my car, pay the garage fee, maintain my make up habit by buying one or two items, and a couple happy hours/lunches/dinners a month. i do not yet have a clothing allowance. travel is not even an option. plus i have expenses on my credit card i need this money to contribute to so the bi-weekly checks never go very far.

my other hustle is temp work. in the last two weeks, ive registered at two temp agencies. one found me a 3-day assignment from which i am typing now. it's not much but i do thoroughly enjoy getting paid to do what i do all day at home, transferring a few phone calls in-between. once this assignment is completed on monday, i really hope to get a second assignment soon after. the inconsistency of the work is the only drawback. i'd feel more comfortable with a longer term situation.

so there's my hustle. for you established folk, what were your early 20s like? did you stumble a little before finding secure employment or did you dive in head first to your career?

24 x 24 update

Wednesday, July 14, 2010
major setbacks:
week of july 4th i did ok managing to run a couple of days while staying at my sister's house but the way i was eating that week was unacceptable. plus my sis' bday was that week and whenever she goes all out, i go right with her. we're enablers that way.

from then, ive touched the treadmill 1 time. that was yesterday. thought i was gonna be back to it this morning but i was up for hours when the thunderstorms woke me up. all that trouble going back to sleep, plus my mind racing in frustration about dumb stuff has me in no mood to run. plus it's super cloudy outside so this might be a sleepy day.

i'd gain back all (3 whole pounds) that i'd lost. i can't blame it all on being at sis' house. i'd been knocking back a few sodas and a couple of beers. then i went over my friend's house twice and demolished white wine. her neighbors made an apple cranberry cobbler and i pigged out on that plus the pasta salad my friend made. i was carbing it up.

right now im at 168. i need to be at 150 by my bday which i feel is reasonable. i cant remember my starting weight so it wont be exactly 24 by 24 anymore. i think for it to be 24, i would have to be at 148 or something. i'll take 150. havent seen that since high school/freshman year of college. for reference, 150 was a size 10 for me. maybe an 8 b/c im a 12 now and i have some things i can fit that are size 10.

the last time

Tuesday, July 13, 2010
this will probably be the last time you see a youtube video (that i created) on this blog. my final installment of a make up look can be seen below. stay tuned for more information on my new beauty blog where you'll find similar videos to this one.

new blog coming!

Sunday, July 11, 2010
ive decided to create a separate blog for all things beauty related. inverted reflection will remain a personal blog, in case anyone is interested in the random rants and annecdotes. for those who come for the product reviews and tutorials and such, there will be a new blog to follow. more details to come when i come up with a name and decide which site i would like it hosted on. im thinking about wordpress. im open to any suggestions for the new blog name as well.

career planning

Saturday, July 10, 2010
i had to take a mandatory career counseling course for my masters. insert bbm 'not interested' face here. i was interested in the topic but the course itself was not what i expected. one of the requirements was to plan out our career goals. um, everyone here wants to be a counselor. that's why we're taking this course. there was some variation like some wanted to be in schools and others in rehab and others general mental health providers but we are all lumped together so...yea. that was annoying.

i was half-way bs'ing when i put in my...let's call it a proposal but the professor was calling it something else i cant remember...that i wanted to do freelance make up. all bs aside, that is an interest of mine but i want to do it SUPER freelance. like, "oh, you goin to prom? gimme $10 and i got you". i know real freelance artists would get pissed at how low im selling myself for. i know for a fact because i read a blog entry on that very topic. but i cant see myself charging astronomical prices when 1. i have no credentials/portfolio and 2. anyone can hit up the mac counter at a dept. store and get it all free (in the free-standing stores they want a $50 purchase). i guess one might say they would be paying for the convience, indivualized attention, etc. but whatever. i hope to have a real 9-5 so what i make doing make up wont make or break me.

i need to do some additional research about how to break into this business. i know that most importantly, i need to get some practice in and that would require building my kit. look! im using lingo! i mean i have plenty of brushes and make up for ME and MY face but im not putting that on other human beings. i really need to figure out how im going to get mac to hire me. i know they require strong retail experience which i simply do not possess. sorry but ive been in school all my life (we covered this in a previous post) and i swear i dont remember dates of those positions held in summers in retail. plus they were so long ago.

anyone know who i can get into doing this here and there? who's already in the business? i know it would help if i could get some pics from my brother's wedding. that would be a great start to my portfolio. ive already done a bride!

as i sit IRRITATED

Friday, July 9, 2010
allowing my pre-poo to marinate before i use my pantene beautiful lengths shampoo and conditioner, im a little confused about why there's so little product left for something i cant recall any impression of. was i simply distracted by a new unexpected aquisition or was i desperately looking for an alternative? whatever.

the real reason for this post is ive been thinking about how much a do not enjoy relying on others. i feel like ive never fully established any independence. the closest i'd come was my apartment in atlanta. while i researched and selected my home for my final year of undergrad on my own, i still depended on my parents (my dad) to support me financially. now that im back living with them, probably more than the archaic lifestyle i must abide by, i loathe being a dependent.

i hate needing money for books and other school-related expenses. i hate having to ask for supplemental funding for leisure activities or for gas money. i hate when my car needs scheduled maintenance or something else unforseeable occurs like someone knocking off my side mirror. i hate relying on unbalanced/unhealthy/bad-tasting grocery item choices.

i feel like i'll never get out of my current situation. employers seem completely unreasonable. im constantly hit with the following response just not in these words: "i see that you've been in school your entire life but where is your experience?" im 23 years old. where do you expect me to get experience? that is why im looking for ENTRY LEVEL work. wtf is wrong with people? i have no faith in humans. their intelligence seems to be completely lacking. i cant go around telling people "yes, i have a master's but im only 24" come december. i feel like if you see on my resume that college and grad school dates are chronological with no gaps, common sense would give you a clue as to how old i am. but no one really reads a resume anyway...which is another problem.

im completely frustrated and irritated and not a fun person to be around today. worse than any of this is the fact that i feel like NO ONE understands nor can they help. and im tired of explaining my situation in vain just to get a blank stare and topic change. i really wish people would stop asking what im doing and what it means to be doing what im doing and what job will i have then...

here's a thought

Wednesday, July 7, 2010
what i really need to do is stop whining about where i havent been and what i havent done. it's not like i have friends to go places or do things with. most shit would be lackluster alone. not really interested in going with one other person either. also, there's only so much my sister and i can do. she is a real adult with responsibilities and a family and stuff.

here's what's what (4th of july week)

here's how ive been spending/will spend my time:

ate crabs for the first time in probably 15 years. i ate 3. hardly worth the effort and disgust. i know, i know. im too girly and im not really black (also not a fan of ribs).

i saw the national fireworks show off a closed exit on I-395 b/c we had reserved parking however all route to the lot were blocked

spent the weekend at sis' house. played wii super briefly. watched heroes re-runs. and laughed at everything that came out of the mouth of the 2 year old "i dont wear pull-ups. i have on underwear. im a big girl." "naked bum bum, naked bum bum" and my favorite-
taylor: do i have powers?
me: no
t: do i have A power?
me: no
t: i have a power.

all grades have now been posted. im 48 credits into my master's degree. got 12 more to go. i could have been done at 48 credits but licensure requires 60 so im staying on.

lunch on the georgetown waterfront at Sequoia with sis for her birthday today.


temp agency interview

wine with former counseling classmate turned unemployed housewife (she graduated). LOVE HER!

work ALL DAY saturday at the kennedy center. my one day/week "job" is so taxing...why did i think it was ok to do two shifts in one day.

mac "in the groove" collection makeover with sis

babysitting the nieces

i just wanna say

Monday, July 5, 2010
i dont think im properly enjoying my 20s. that is all.

B T Dubs

Friday, July 2, 2010

no weight loss to report this week. did 25 min (run-walk intervals) 4 days this week but still ate like a fatty. plus i had glass after glass of vino last night with one of my favorites from my counseling program. sweetie was having a hard time after having to put her dog to sleep after 10 years so i played counselor just a little bit for her. we mixed poor coping skills with some therapeutic interventions. good thing she wasnt an actual client :)

also, just fyi, i dont post ever video i make on youtube here so it's a good idea to subscribe to my channel

im just realizing im having such a tough time finding a job because im not just looking for a job, im looking to start a career. that's a problem when the economy only allows for experienced/established professionals to get new jobs. getting into the cost effectiveness of hiring me is another post for another day that will never come because i dont feel like explaining and im sure no one really cares.

my big sis turns *another year older* next week so im not expecting any weightloss next week either. cookout sunday and out to lunch wednesday (her actual bday). i'll try to behave. no promises because im back over my classmate's place thursday...

another rihanna tutorial

Thursday, July 1, 2010
i bet you've seen photos from the shoot. here's my take on the look seen here: