it's done. it's over.

i felt a few mixed emotions about this issue yesterday. ive come to the decide that it's ok for him to think he loves me or is in love with me or has love for me or however he wishes to describe his feelings. what he feels isnt any of my business. i cant look at him and see the pain in his face and feel it for him. i cant take on that responsibility. i wasnt hurting like that when i decided not to speak to him. not to say i didnt feel anything, just nothing to that extent. only my feelings are of consequence. taking my feelings into consideration, his inability to love me in the way i want to be loved (not read as in the way i choose to love) causes me heartache and discontentment (is that a word? if not, it's a mistake and it stays). i have to emphasize that it's not so important that a man shows me and makes me feel his love in the way i choose to express my love but it is rather important that he expresses his love in a way that is condusive to my needs. everyone has their own form of expression but i need his form to fit me and mine his. i also think that the way i love does not fit him. or maybe it does and he didnt realize it and that is what he is referring to when he says he didnt know what he had. ive also decided to not be indecisive for once. i left and i need to stick to that decision. it's painful, it's lonely, it's discouraging. the uncertainty makes it scary. it's troubling because there is absolutely no way to know if you are making a mistake. i also feel like if someone took this long to recognize my worth meanwhile putting me through bullshit, they dont deserve me. the end.