was it better or worse to not have any feelings at all? to just be numb and like fuck n*ggas, get money. i had this dude, mr. officer, who loved me. genuinely. did everything. i mean EVERYTHING pretty much perfectly. we would be married if it wasn't for one thing that resulted in 3 things and 3 more things. and furthermore i couldn't love him. i couldn't really feel his love. i can feel it somewhat now but i can't do it.
and so now i'm here with all these feelings that are unexplained and unwarranted. i have no idea where it's coming from or why. it's me but then it's not me. it's 15-19-year-old me. it's not the me i decided to become at 20 and 21. i didn't want to be numb, i just wanted to be smarter and stronger and up until now i have been. no idea what has happened but i don't like it. feeling feelings kind of sucks.
maybe i listen to too much r&b. from now on it's nothing but rap and other hard stuff and music without words.