johnny come lately

JoJo- Too Little Too Late

insight

this is the comment i left for bloggal in reponse to this post: 

ok so i kinda know what you're going through. i hate when people say "i know exactly..." because that's not true. but i've been through something similar. unfortunately, it's time. im sure you've heard it but it's really true and it sucks that you cant just fast-foward life but time is really the key factor. i cant even tell you how much time. it took me like 2 years and im still not completely over it. im over it enough that i no longer think about it every single day and im able to start new relationships. 

the other part of it is that life is on some crazy cycle and clearly you're at a point where a relationship is not viable for you but at some point, your world will spin around and you'll be relationship-ready and the opportunity will present itself. i know for me, i felt like i needed to be in control of that flipping but the reality is, we can't choose which side of the coin we're on.

hopefully you can grasp the jist of what she was talking about without having to go and read the post (context clues, my friends). but yea, i need to remember every word of this when i am sad and upset that i supposedly dont have anyone or didnt get the one i wanted. sorry if this all makes no sense...

another beauty survey

im on my makeup thing kinda hard right now. can you tell?

1. What marks your start in the cosmetics world?

my sister's wedding in 2005. i was a bridesmaid and never really wore make up and certainly didnt own any. walked into a mac store, had the woman do my face and told her to give me everything she used.

2. What is your reference brand?

mac pretty much exclusively. im satisfied, why stray?

3. What do enjoy most about make-up?

it's just fun. i love color. and its not as shocking as say wearing a hot pink shirt

4. Is there something that you're dying to try and haven't done it yet?

fake lashes for a special occasion. im moreso dying for a special occassion to arise. 

5. If you had to choose only 5 products to pack for  travel...

1. lipgloss
2. mascara
3. concealer
4. tinted moisturizer
5. neutral paint pot

FOTD 1.24.09

i had a date but i was also listening to music and singing along hence the awkwardness of the photo. here is what i used (mac unless otherwise specified):

eyes-

• paintpot in "groundwork"- base
• e/s in "arctic grey"- inner lid
• e/s in "contrast"- outer lid
• e/s in "era"- browbone
• e/s in "shore leave"- brow highlight
• make up for ever liner in "iridescent navy blue"- upper and lower lash line
• dazzle lash mascara

face-

• matte- mac primer
• studio tech foundation in NC 50
• Nars blush in "orgasm"
• concealer in NW 45

lips- 

• lustreglass in "love nectar"

much love to my readers

a survey from temptalia.com

What was the last new beauty product you purchased? studio tech foundation in NC 50- i had been wearing the WRONG color! and formula.

When you’re feeling down, ________ lipstick/lipgloss makes you feel happier. RED LIPSTICK! (specifically MAC's russian red) doing the old hollywood glam look cheers me up.

What look were you wearing this past Saturday? let's call it 'winter wonderland' (see below).

What beauty product do you wish you could afford right now? that $300 moisturizer PJD keeps raving about...

If you had to give up foundation or concealer, which would you give up? concealer. the new type of foundation i wear minimizes the need for it.

Besides you, the biggest beauty addict you know is ___________. my friend, Diahna.

Could you go without any makeup for 30 days? it's been done so it's possible but not something i would do willingly anymore.

answer this survey or one of the questions or whatever in the comments.

from an IM between me and a favorite

i said: i just want to express my disgust at black designers complaining about michelle. SHE DONT OWE YOU SHIT BECAUSE YOU EXIST AND WERE BORN BLACK, so shut the fuck up. (this can be generalized to all black people) the end.

im tired of it. for real.

ugh

"why is no one ready?"- miranda priestly, the devil wears prada

who remembers that line from the movie? probably no one but ive seen it a million times and i find it funny, the way she says it. let's try this one, "by all means, move at a glacial pace. you know how that thrills me". 

it's disheartening to learn someone you really wanted is not ready for you. that's the conclusion i came to about a certain someone previously mentioned on this blog. but i learned something, so my interactions with him were not all for nothing. let's look at the very simple difference between someone who is ready for me and someone who isnt:

a man who is ready will recognize my worth, acknowledge it, and act accordingly

one who is not might recognize it but will act a damn fool

why does the not-ready one act in such a way? idk. all i know is he will act retarded until you call him on it and then apologize and promise to do better (because we all know he knows better). this is done in an effort to indicate, "look, i know i have a good thing and im gonna do dumb shit to push you away but i dont want you to REALLY go away. it's just I'M not ready". 

either that or males aren't really that complex and i'm giving them way more credit than what is due. i'm hoping for the former but fear that the latter is true. oh well, eff em...

my mind says move on...

"my mind says move on; my heart lags behind."- 

erykah badu, green eyes from the album "mama's gun"

i am much too often plagued with this problem. the first time, i was 16 and i wrote a poem entitled "letter to my heart". the letter was written from my brain because i knew better than to let my heart get to runnin' things and continue that downward-spiraling path. so my brain was apologizing for the hurt that resulted in me following my heart. 

now that im older i feel like my heart should apologize, too. i know, "way to kick someone when they're down". but im thinking yes, my heart aches but also my mind is plagued by the memories and it's distracting me from good things now and to come. not to mention the influx of memories and such makes my heart hurt more. 

that's it: my heart has self-destructive tendencies. my heart does things to inflict pain on itself. it's like remedial or something. 

that time period where i couldnt feel anything was mainly about me only feeling pain and sadness and not love but i empathized with others and acted accordingly. i cared about a dude's feelings for whatever reason. i need it to be the other way around. i need to be able to act like they act: to only care about my own feelings and wants and needs. 

this post is all-over-the-place. i need to get it together. the semester has started. i dont have time for this shit. 

FOTD 01.15.09

i've been playing in make-up. look:

i'm going to do better about pic quality and also steps in application. whenever i put on make-up, the end result is an accident. here's what i used, though (MAC, unless otherwise stated):

eyes-

• paint pot in groundwork (all over)
• flip e/s (inner lid)
• star violet e/s (outer lid and crease)
• era e/s (brow highlight)
• maybelline waterproof liquid liner in black
• maybelline great lash mascara in black

face-

• sephora brand smoothing and mattifying primer
• studio finish concealer spf 35 in NW 45
• studio fix foundation in NW 45
• NARS blush in orgasm

lips-

• viva glam VI

singing songs and making faces-

stay tuned for info on my make up, in case you're interested

doing the good-est

im being forced to make good on my promise to do the goodest in '09. as a course requirement, i gotta put in 10 hours of community service this semester. i dont think that's too much to ask. i just have to figure out what i'm going to do. do you do community service? where? what non-profits/causes do you support?

what's up with that?

have you noticed something different? yea, i changed my blog layout. i guess i'm on my minimalist sh*t. at least when it comes to this blog. i got tired of the old look. i dont have the time, energy and probably money to invest in getting it to look the way i really want. so there you have it, a simple-looking blog. only content really matters, right?

aint that a bitch!?

things i've found funny in the past 24 hours:

1. it's ok for you to disturb my sleep but when i call you back to find out what the hell you wanted at the butt crack of dawn, im disrupting you...

2. my emails are not acknowledged or replied to when i'm being nice but when the bitch come out, the response is swift...

3. somehow, this is my fault and i'm in the wrong...

4. YOU'RE the one who is frustrated.

oh mr. klean, maybe you're right. this could be my fault. this is what i get for thinking you were HIM. i gave you way more credit than you earned and i ended up with far less than i deserved. that's no one's fault but my own because i accepted it and allowed it to happen. oh well, on to the next.

dear mr. sensitive,

dont be an idiot. stay the same.

xoxo,
ms. me all day everyday

NewNew

the mac website has a new layout. thoughts?

i feel sad

i am sad this place is closing. every time i think about circuit city, i remember this commercial. damn, i love the 90's.

...of the month

introducing a new feature: "...of the month". on friday's i'll post the something of the month. music. movies. make-up looks. whatever. since january is half over and school has started, im going to go ahead and do one big post for the month. 

album of the month-

Anthony Hamilton- The Point of It All

i love the title track

movie of the month-

the curious case of benjamin button

i love that taraji p. henson was in it

song of the month-

cold shoulder- adele

hair style of the the month-

pin-curls

beauty product of the month-

Softsoap Body Butter Coconut Scrub

accessory of the month-

cocktail rings

watch this!

Spring Forward

i've been kinda busy looking forward and forgetting to look back because i def. missed my blogaversary. i think it was on the 5th. whateve's. the blog has been here for over a year, on to what's current. 

currently, im excited for the spring. im not completely done with the cold weather but im over the frostbitten look. im ready to incorporate a new color into my wardrobe. last season was PURPLE (love that color). this spring, i'm feeling a little peachy. from blush to clothing to accessories, i'm really liking this color. maybe it's a nod to the past 4 years spent in the pits (just kidding, ATL, GEORGIA). i also have hopes of wearing shorts that arent bermuda style, but that's a little ambitious. 

what about this upcoming season excites you?

EOTN

you ever see someone and you both just give each other that knowing look? that look that's just like by the End Of The Night, we gone get it in? that's some powerful sh*t. i guess that's what happens when you get that bacardi and patron in me. light liquor really makes me wanna do it and dark liquor usually makes me wanna party. i'm only 22 so i'm still learning. side note: has anyone tried Nuvo? i heard it was gross but it's pink so i want it. maybe i'll buy some on commericialized "love" day (Feb. 14). anyway, happy blogging, everyone!

save it

there is a very specific small part of life i want to put into a ziploc freezer bag and seal and make it permanent. i would adore being in some weird ass rendition of the movie groundhog day where this occurred to me day in and day out. it's the part of the courting phase where the guy is my new best friend and he calls me every 10 minutes. i dont want the part in the very beginning i call "the interview". that part is like when you come home from college in the summer and 30 people take turns asking you what school you go to again, what year you  are, your major, yadda yadda yadda. it's like, "so what do you do?... oh, really? how'd you get into that?" and blah blah blah...

the part i want to be frozen in forever is when the dude is so into you and he thinks you're so awesome and he just hopes that you think he's awesome, too. he gotta call you as often as possible to ensure that no one else gets a stab at his covetted spot. it's tricky, because he still has to maintain his masculinity and walk that fine line of being affectionate and being a bug-a-boo. if executed properly, the targetted young lady feels wanted, appreciated, important, and all warm and fuzzy. this adorable part is sandwiched between the "interview" and the "gotcha, bitch!" phases. 

oh, the "gotcha, bitch" phase. does it really need defining? the male gets comfortable. he won you over being a gentleman and showing you a good time. he gave you the attention to stroke your ego and your self-esteem is real high. at this point, you've gone and told your friends about old dude and that's what he wants because once you do that and he flips on you, you are so very reluctant to drop his ass like you know you need to because you believe you've invested something into this character. and maybe you have. 

anyway, i too often find myself in the "gotcha, bitch" phase. it's not a good feeling. it's inevitable and it's devastating to me when it occurs and i usually cant make it past that point. i understand it's part of every relationship but it is the bain of my existance and i want no parts of it. so since my relationship with him, my relationships have only lasted as long as old boy can play the role (usually not very long). when the true colors come out, i stick around for quite a while actually but in reality, the relationship was over when his "sweet messages will go from daily just to make me smile to quite necessary" (told you so-solange). 

so yea, this is why i didn't do love and things that look like it. somehow, not on purpose,  my guard fell down only to have this happen. this bitch got got and it is not the business because my heart wasnt ready for it. and since i wasnt ready, how or why did this happen? and plus im upset because i KNOW better. i'm just not cut out for this.  i'm not cut out to interact with other people on a romantic level. 

how i brought in '09

i was at the luxurious crystal city hyatt (that's in VA, for non-area folks) and i partied w/ some craptastic individuals. i distinctly recall a chick in a skirt resembling a mylar balloon. that attrocity was paired with what can only be construed as a wife beater. but i digress. it was a masquerade and while free masks were provided, i was one of a few people who purch

ased their own and of still a smaller group who donned their apparel. see pics:

someone

someone should re-do my layout. that someone is not me. that is all i have to say. 

i do but i dont

i wanna be a counselor/therapist/whatever you wanna call it. but then i don't. in my ethics course this semester, we discussed our motivations for becoming a counselor. one of the first steps in ensuring that you behave ethically and professionally is knowing what needs  of your own are being fulfilled by being a "helper". generally, i agree with the need to feel helpful and to normallize whatever it is i may be feeling. but the main reason is i do a lot of "counseling" all the time and i might as well get paid for it. plus it's like the one thing i could do and not suck at too bad. but i think all the time, "why am i doing this? i don't even like people!" i know people say all the time that they dont like people but i REALLY don't. i just see them as necessary and unavoidable. so here are the reasons counseling is for me:

1. people tell me things i dont care about all the time- im not talking about friends. im talking about complete strangers. i guess i just have a face that makes people wanna talk. i have no idea why that is because most times people start off with "why you lookin' so mean?". the answer is "so you won't talk to me but i guess i failed".

2. i think a lot so whatever my response is will sound really thoughtful even if i don't really care- most times, whatever someone is experiencing has been experienced by someone before and many times that someone is me. i spend a lot of time thinking about things so i naturally have a response to almost anything. 

3. i don't have to work for anyone else- after i get done with supervised training or whatever the city is going to require for full liscensure, i can work in my own practice. i probably wont do that, or a least not right away, but it's great to have that option. 

4. i wont be doing the same thing everyday- people will come in with varying issues to discuss and even if they have the same general problems, their individual experiences will vary to some degree. monotony and repetition is the absolute worst for me. 

5. you don't actually have to talk much- i like to talk when i am in the mood. sometimes i dont feel like talking. this is perfect because you really dont have to say much. you're actually not supposed to say much. counter-intuitive, i know, but that's how it goes. 

6. you dont see all the same people day in and day out- you see clients, at most, once a week and usually for no longer than an hour. undergrad would have been different for me if it worked like that. unfortunately i saw "friends" entirely too often and for too long and im not built for that. i can only take people in doses, even my closest friends. i really don't like people. i need to seek help for that. 

better or worse?

if you need corrective lenswear, the eye doctor is like "better or worse?" and flicking the little thingy (what's it called?). what if you just flat out do not know? I DON'T KNOW.

was it better or worse to not have any feelings at all? to just be numb and like fuck n*ggas, get money. i had this dude, mr. officer, who loved me. genuinely. did everything. i mean EVERYTHING pretty much perfectly. we would be married if it wasn't for one thing that resulted in 3 things and 3 more things. and furthermore i couldn't love him. i couldn't really feel his love. i can feel it somewhat now but i can't do it.

and so now i'm here with all these feelings that are unexplained and unwarranted. i have no idea where it's coming from or why. it's me but then it's not me. it's 15-19-year-old me. it's not the me i decided to become at 20 and 21. i didn't want to be numb, i just wanted to be smarter and stronger and up until now i have been. no idea what has happened but i don't like it. feeling feelings kind of sucks.

maybe i listen to too much r&b. from now on it's nothing but rap and other hard stuff and music without words.

i'm in love

it took a long time but i'm in love again. yes, the real thing! i'm in love with myself. how can i expect anyone to recognize my worth if i dont recognize my own? how can i not love me? who cares how someone else can't? but how can I (the most important person) not love me? i don't know why i didn't for so long. i am fuckin' HOT! like i'm smart, sexy, funny...the adjectives could go on and on. i'm really not to be fucked with. aint no bitch better than me. like really. i have it ALL. and it's not even being conceited. i'm subscribing to my belief that there is someone for everyone to love. i'm the one for ME. so whoever disagrees is just establishing their opinion, which they are entitled to. but as as far as i'm concerned, i am the SHIT. i am a bad chick. 

do you know your abc's?

because i get bored, too. 

A
- Available: for what?
- Age: 22
- Annoyance: males
-Animal: jaguar

B
- Beer: heinekin, red stripe, corona, sam adams cherry wheat
- Birthday: 10.02
- Best Friend(s): chad, chante, britney
- Body Part on opposite sex: lips
- Best feeling in the world: love (best and worst)
- Blind or Deaf: both would be devastating for me
- Best weather: spring
- Been on stage?: yes
- Believe in Magic: no
- Believe in Santa: no

C
- Candy is: not mandatory...
- Color(s): all of them but mostly purple
- Chocolate/Vanilla: depends
- Chinese/Mexican: depends
- Cake or pie: cake
- Continent to visit: africa
- Cheese: slightly melted

D
- Day or Night: night
- Dance in the rain: no, just kiss

E
- Eyes: are beautiful
- Everyone’s got: an opinion
- Ever failed a class? no, but a class has failed me

F
- First thoughts waking up: something related to my dream, usually
- Food: my kryptonite

G
- Greatest Fear: a bad car accident
- Goals: weight-loss
- Gum: the expensive kind
- Get along with your parents? i guess
- Good luck charm: dont believe in those

H
- Hair Color: brown right now
- Height: 5′ 4” on my tallest day of the year
- Happy: i put some in everyday
- Holiday: excuse to pop bottles
- How do you want to die: painlessly

I
- Ice Cream: whatever i can put chocolate syrup on
- Instrument: piano, drums, guitar

J
- Jewelry: is a must
- Job: i have a couple

K
- Kids: keep you young when they aint urs and age you if u have em
- Kickboxing or karate: kickboxing
- Keep a journal?: several

L
- Love: the Lord
- Laughed so hard you cried: yea

M
- Milk flavor: chocolate
- Movies: right now, the black balloon
- Motion sickness?: yes
- McD’s or BK: mcd's

N
- Number of Siblings: 3
- Number of Piercings: 4
- Number: 2

O
- One Wish: i'll be ok if i could get one

P
- Perfect Pizza: pepperoni w/ extra cheese
- Pepsi/Coke: neither but if i HAD to, cherry pepsi

Q
-Quail: really? you couldnt think of anything?

R
- Reasons to cry: to express joy, pain, frustration
- Radio Station: i loathe the radio
- Roll your tongue in a circle? i can
- Ring size: 7/8

S
- Song: for real- amel   
- Shoe size: basically a 9
- Salad Dressing: caesar
- Sushi: get the crunch shrimp roll
- Slept outside: i have, not something i really wanna do again
- Skinny dipped?: never
- Sing well?: naw
- In the shower? of course
- Strawberries/Blueberries: strawberries

T
-Tattoos?: i got some
- Time for bed: when i get sleepy enough
- Thunderstorms: are uncool

U
- Unpredictable: naw, you know me

V
- Vacation spot: anywhere but here

W
- Weakness: a sexy, dark-skinned dude
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: no one
- Worst feeling: not feeling loved/cared about
- Wanted to be a model?: i knew is was beyond my reach basically at birth
- Where do we go when we die?: depends on what you believe
- Worst Weather?: too hot, too cold

X
- X-Ray: ive had some
- Ex’s: i dont want anymore

Y
-Year it is now: 2009
-Yellow: is one of my best friends favorite color

Z
- Zoo animal: tiger

LAST PERSON WHO…
1. Slept in a bed beside you? niece
2. You went to the mall with?: dee
3. You went to dinner with: uhh....
4. You talked to on the phone? britney
5. Made you laugh?: niece
6. You met: uh, alan or something? not important
7. Said they loved you?: milt
8. Held your hand?: uh.....alan or watever his name was
9. Spoke with?: kiara
10. You cried over?: a jerk

i'm out at a party or in my hotel room bringing it in right but i just wanted to wish my lovely readers a happy 2009!!!! more of what you're used to and what you never expected is in store so stay tuned!!!! *smooches*