G4L

my sister and i took a handgun class at the gun range this weekend- Ladies Handgun 101. it was taught by this petite, solid but slender framed woman who said she was a bodyguard! that was so cool to hear her say that plus she was SUPER nice.

im firearm-challenged. i was scared as CRAP (the reason i wanted to take the class). i wanted to learn how to safely and responsibly handle a gun b/c the idea of going and doing some target shooting sounds fun. i struggled with loading the magazine on the gun i chose but the instructor said she sometimes carries that when working and admitted that it was especially tough. i even struggled with a particular step in loading. im not going to get started on my aim...

i learned that it's an expensive habit: the 4-hour class was $150 plus the cost of gun rental and ammo. i'd like to thank my big sis for treating me :). ammo is expensive because of the economy and people feeling like they need to protect themselves and their homes, plus our country is in two wars. guns themselves were never cheap. i dont have to worry about that last part because DC residents are both denied a vote in congress AND the right to a weapon.

my sister really liked it and got the hang of it but i never did. my brother enjoys that stuff so maybe thats something they can bond over. her husband had like NO interest and i think she really wants to go back and was hoping i'd be more into it. i guess im willing to try again but i told her i wasnt going back right away. i do want to try a different gun and learn to relax more. being nervous is never helpful when using a gun. now i know how bitches feel in movies when they get a gun for the very first time and MUST use it in self-defense. i used to be like "hoe, shoot him! the fuck you shakin for?" now i get it!!!!

standards too high? scope too low?

#oneofmyfollowers replied to one of my tweets with a #aimhigher. he's probably right.

type of guy i go for? almost any guy who shows me interest and isnt terrible to look at. i give too much too soon (not just referring to sex) and i inevitably get my feelings hurt. you would think i'd learn by now but i tend not to catch myself until it's too late. i tell myself that im not going to do this and that and what do i do? this AND that. im thinking that i not only have to change my behavior but i have to change who i behave toward.

being born without patience is a factor yet again. what i need to do is calm myself down and WAIT. if this dude doesnt know how to act, i need to wait for the one who does. instead, i put up with the bullshit as if ive taken some sacred vow of loyalty.

i used to think my standards were too high but at the same time, i see evidence that men who do right exist. problem is, some chick has usually snatched his ass up. no one comes to mind who acts right and is single. if i were able to think of someone, i could 73% guarantee he is not interested in me.

maybe, just maybe my scope and self-esteem is too low. idk.

why would you even say that?

today was a day filled with "the fuck made you think that was ok to say to me?" moments. im not going to get into the narrowly avoided altercation i ALMOST had today at my internship but i will get into what was said to me by my friend. we are having a yahoo chat conversation (b/c yes, i still use that shit) about HER having a kid and naming it something. she tells me a new name for her daughter all the time. i'm just waiting for her to actually be pregnant or to at least have a potential acceptable sperm donor for him to have his say in this decision. and then i made the comment that im not gonna have a baby friend or get married and you know what this heifer said? "yeah ur totally getting married".

why would you wish that on someone? rude! i think the fact that i insist on not being a nuptual person convinces people that i'll be the very one to walk down the aisle. they are sooooo mistaken. how foolhardy of them. ha! "foolhardy". funny word. ok. im done. (can you tell i've had alcohol?)

what's the word? (this may offend)

i need a word for this feeling that non-boyfriend gives me. i think it's "lust" or "infatuation". not sure. im the type of person to think of a word and then check the dictionary to see how well it really fits. neither of those fit. i KNOW it's not love. it can't be love because it's never love when you only feel it in your fuck parts. so what is it?

it's not solely a sexual thing. i've been with dudes who do good #hoeshit and they've never given me this feeling. i feel some other physical connection or something. shit's weird.

try not to lie

remember i said briefly i had a date and shit went well? well...here's the thing i hate for you to lie. i ESPECIALLY hate for you to lie about dumb shit (shit i can easily figure out by blinking). mid-convo at 10:30pm you're on some "hold that thought, i'll call you right back". ok. you dont call back. #kanyeshrug, maybe a nigga got caught up. next day i call, no answer. you text me talmbout you working on something and you'll get back. ok...days later, you hit me on yahoo on some youve been trying to get in touch with me b/c u left your phone at the dmv. ok. sure. here's the problem. you made your lie way too elaborate. you live in VA, what the fuck were you doing at the DC DMV???? maybe im jumping to conclusions but the day you were supposedly working on your bike you then go to the DMV where you lose your phone? further you have ANOTHER phone with text messages from me so you weren't completely without my number. even if any of that was true and on the up and up, i aint seen you in a week so im over you. my attention span is never that long. plus this week, you've only called me from your work phone. and you on some power differential where i try to get off the phone and you're not into it and then two minutes later you ended the conversation. got the nerve to say you'll call me later. still waiting on that call.

is this real life?

for those confused by my tweets to/about @booskee9, idk if i ever clarified this.

as far as i know, the spring 2014 wedding with the colors coral and cream is just a running joke we have. that's as far as I know. for some other people, there is the feeling that this should be a real thing.

it cannot be a real thing because Tre' lives in NC. i find that undesireable. and no, it isnt that far (like 4 hr drive) but i dont see you out there walking children in nature so #dontjudgeme. translation: it's not that far to someone who doesnt actually have to do it. so i feel like i dont know him well enough for that to be a real thing. based on meeting on twitter, chattin it up on BBM, meeting in person once, and the vday package he sent me, it could be a real thing. however, i'll reserve the final decision for when im convinced this dude is serious and he calls me on a regular basis and takes some action regarding the vast amount of road between us.

so for the time being, just be mildly entertained by my ability to even speak of the possibility of marriage even if it is in jest.

what's in a name?

there was once upon a time when i would take a dude out of the running if i did not love his name. guys with names that start with D were almost immediately eliminated: damien, desmond, dominic, derick, DANTE (ugh)...i've become a little more open-minded as ive gotten older as there are not too many names i actually like. anyone named william (grandpa, dad, brother) or kevin (brother) is still ineligible. non-bf has one of the softest-sounding names to me. i continued to talk to him despite that and his name grew on me. now that he's shifted to ex-non-bf, i've met a new potential boo whose name im never a fan of. AND it starts with a D (not previously listed). hopefully, this will turn out well and i'll learn that ive been putting too much weight on names. it's not their fault they got named that and i can imagine you make it all the way to 18 and just become used to a name (at least the more "normal" ones). im an excellent example of that. i do not enjoy my own name but im used to it.