his and hers

Tuesday, July 15, 2008
divorced x 2
3 kids: 20, 18, 10
surprisingly, great guy 

single, never married
no kids
free spirit

she has a hard time getting past his stats. he does alot for her. mentally, physically, emotionally. he is an upstanding gentleman. just...what is really wrong? should she tell him what about him bothers her? what are your thoughts? *also, this shouldnt matter but, he doesn't like Wayne, Jay or MJB...

12 thought(s):

Product Junkie Diva said...

I am proably not the best person to respond to this post but I will anyway. I would say give it a little time just to get to know him better, although you won't be step mom anytime soon I would imagine the kids that are close in age to you may give you grief. The divorced 2x has me a little uneasy as well which is why I said just take your time. I know that stuff happens in life which may explain his stats but just keep your eyes open and be careful. He could be the perfect guy who knows, but also think long term. Is this the guy you can see yourself with 10 years from now? Do you have similar goals (kids, home etc. whatever goals you may have.)
This would also be a relationship with some distance ATl vs. DC so that has to be considered also. HUmmm should there be a discussion about what bothers you- well if it is something that can't be changed maybe itis not worth it to bring it up, just to move on to another fellow. However if it is something that can be fixed sure, discuss it. Or if you decide to be in a relationship with him whether the issues can be fixed or not then you should certainly address whatever is bothering you.
Ok this is probably not the best advice but hopefully it all works out for you.
I wish you the best.
Product Junkie Diva

Don said...

i think she should take everything one day @ time and not too much worry about whatever 'perceived' hangups she has about dude, until they actually become hangups. right?

don't be the kind of woman who doesn't know a good thing when she has it. it may not come in the package you seek, but who does?

and how are you going to create a post about another man while knowing i read your blog?

i'm just saying. LOL.

antithesis said...

@PJD- i think that is very sound advice. thank you very much. as far as the divorces, they both were at his request so it's not like "what the hell is wrong with you that you couldnt make it work with two women you married?" it's more like "is that your answer to everything that goes wrong?"

@don- lol! you are right about the package thing. life is not a fairytale and everything thats good may not come in a pretty package with a bow. in response to your other comment: you post about women ALL THE TIME. you always cheatin' on me. now you've had a taste of your own medicine!

Blu Jewel said...

Nothing is guaranteed except life and death; everything else is an experience. Give yourself time to continue to get to know each other and allow each of you to come to an understanding on things you each dislike.

I agree with Don's comment.

My father's current wife is 5 years older than me and we get along surprisingly well. That's just a thought in case you were having issues with the age of his oldest. It's different for everyone, but it doesn't always have to be a negative.

Time, communication, a willingness to be open/honest, and not setting limitations will give sight to where things will go.


Phyllis Bourne said...

How long have they been together?

As the relationship progressed my concern would be him becoming bossy or controlling with her. Not because he's mean, but he's been there done that and hates to see her make certain mistakes. Still they are her mistakes to make. Can he stand back and let her grow?

T said...

Here's the thing. I'm stuck on stats. When I tell my friends about guys I run stats like I was recapping a football game. So for me, those stats don't fly. My mom also turns 45 next week so there's no way in hell I'd date a man who's older than her. I would, and do, however date men that are closer to her age than mine. (I'm sayin'... she was young when she had me). LOL!

I'd say if any of the stats bother her, they bother her for a reason. If she wouldn't usually talk to a divorced man, nor a man with kids, then she should not make any exceptions for this dude because he A) looks good and/or B) treats her well. She doesn't owe him anything.

If, however, stats like these have never bothered her, then I'd tell her to do the damn thing and have a no regrets speech ready.

One last thing to think about is that a lot of black men die in their fifties. I'm not trying to be morbid, I'm just saying that statistically (since we're dropping stats), black men don't take as good of care of themselves as other men or even black women. So she has to think about whether she wants to possibly be dealing with terminal illnesses in her 30s when he's in his 50s.

Don said...

@ ashley: life is not a fairytale and everything thats good may not come in a pretty package with a bow. always remember that, and i can just about promise you that you won't go wrong.

I also agree with blu jewel where she says there are but two things whic are promised; everything else is an experience.

now you've had a taste of your own medicine!

ugh. i hate medicine. can i have a cold glass of kool-aid, instead? LOL.

antithesis said...

@ everyone- great and valid points!

@PBW-we dont really know each other all that well. we met in february but didnt start hanging out til the last week of april. we have done a great job of keeping in touch since my graduation in may.

@ blu jewel- welcome to my blog and thank you for your thoughtful advice.

@don- kool-aid is bad for you. at least ask for some lemonade which has some nutritional value since it's made with lemons.

@ T- you make a strong point that i have considered and i dont think you are being morbid. you are being realistic, which i can appreciate.

MSJNT said...

WOW...That is a big gap age and culture wise. Good Luck!!

Que.PK.iDD said...

I'm not the type to give advice or make suggestions on dating, because I've come to find that not everyone has the same morals and values as I do. But I will share things from my POV.

The age gap is big. I'm 26, but like T said, dating some one older than my mom (turned 43 this year), would be stretching my personal limits.

Divorced, not once but twice, almost makes me cringe. Be it at his request or not, he's broken 2 life-long vows. Many people say, "third times a charm" but I dunno. I hold marriage in very high regard, and I can't help but have negative feelings. Not that I think any less of people who are divorced, but I want to experience some firsts with the man I committ myself to for life. Which leads me to my next point.

3 kids: 20, 18, 10. I want to have kids (with an s) of my own. Does he still want to make and raise kids after 20 years? Will his health allow it?

But if he is really great guy, I don't see any harm in enjoying him. I would label this a flashing light relationship. A flashing YELLOW light: Proceed with caution.

Brown Girl Gumbo said...

I was SUPER busy yesterday so I didn't get a chance to post my comment.

Anyway, I think the HUGE age gap is something to consider. Plus the fact that he has kids close in age to you.

Well, all I can say is good luck and each relationship is different and can't be compared to others.

antithesis said...

@ QUE.P- loved loved loved your comment. thank you!

@BGG- good points. thanks. i guess i should just focus on my crush on Don.